"Police charge man over sex film"

In Thursday’s MXnews paper, there was a small article in the doom and gloom section. It stated that a 54 year old truck driver from the USA was charged with tresspassing on a farm used by bestialists. This guy filmed his friend having sex with a stallion. The guy who ended up having sex with this stallion died of massive internal injuries. The farm where this all took place was outside of Seattle. And the article stated that no animal cruelty charges were going to be filed.

No, many may say that homosexual acts are vile, vulger and just WRONG. And I’m an openminded person when it comes to people, for the most part. What people choose to do, is their own perrogative and who am I to say anything. But seriously, when it comes to sex with animals, I just can’t fathom a reason as to WHY. Sex with a minor is wrong, it’s immoral, and it all has to do with the fact that a child is not of consenting age, there is a major difference in power, and I could go on and on as to why sex with a minor is wrong. But having sex with an animal, an animal that can’t scream NO, or the fact that they have NO idea what is going on. To picture something like the article, I just get a queasy feeling in my stomach, and it seriously makes me want to vomit.

I don’t understand the psychology around wanting to have sex with an animal. It’s vulger and crass, and unnatural. People say homosexuality is unnatural and goes against what nature says. But how can it be that? It’s something between humans….two consenting adults. Someone having sex with an animal, a helpless animal, where is the consent in that? I just can’t imagine what is going through someone’s mind, to possess them to have sex with an animal. The animals have NO idea what so ever of what is going on, and they can’t scream “get the hell away from me.” How come anyone possibly be turned on by this sort of thing? I honestly can’t figure it out, why people do this. I of course can’t figure out why people do a lot of things, but this, this has just crossed the line way too far.

I’m glad that this guy has been charged. Even though he wasn’t the one DOING the act, he was still a part of it. A part of something that IS illegal. It just makes me wonder, if he does go to jail, how he’s going to fare in prison…once other prisoners find out just why he was put in prison. No cruelty charges were filed, but there should have been. Even though he wasn’t actually being cruel to the animal, he was an accessory, he was there, he should have known NOT to do something like this. What I wonder, is why is the farm STILL active? The article stated that it was a farm used by bestialists. Why don’t they get rid of the animals, send them to good homes, and then sell the land? I hope this guy rots in jail, but I doubt that he will.

-current mood-HUNGRY, let's go eat!

Weather outside

Well, the weekend is finally here. Another week down, and another weekend where I don’t have to be obsessing over whether we’ll hear anything from DIMIA. Currently, the rain is coming down like cats and dogs, there is a warm aura outside and I’m calm for once. I’m going to my partner’s cousin’s birthday bash tonight, without her because she’s working. I’m working on trying to stay positive, and working on keeping my mind occupied. The sound of the rain, it’s amazing at how calming it makes me feel. I have a music cd of nothing but nature sounds (I did find one) and it really lowers my heart rate. The thunder and lightening has started I believe, oh wait, that’s just someone’s vehicle starting up. But there is supposed to be thunderstorms tonight. And walking outside, you can just “sense” that a thunderstorm is going to happen. They always say, “the calm before the storm” and there really wasn’t one in this case. The rain has been going on and off all day, started early this morning, and is still going. I love the smell of fresh rain as it hits the pavement. Strange, some people might say, but it reminds me so much of home. Oregon is notorious for their raining seasons, and without fail, you’ll know it rains about 9 months out of the year. Some people hate the rain, I like it, sometimes. If I’m driving, I prefer it to NOT rain. But if I’m running in the rain, especially when it’s cold outside, nothing gets my blood pumping like rain beating on my face. I prefer it to rain cats and dogs, than to have the pissy sort of rain. If you’re going to rain, rain like you’ve never rained before. Just please, no flooding, that can cause some major issues. We need this rain, the plants and the water reserves need this rain. And mentally, I need the rain, it makes me feel better.

-current mood-LOVING the rain

Putting things into perspective

Last night, I wrote my mum an email, pretty much telling her that I wasn’t coping very well. I was crying and completely a wreck. I went to check my email today and she sent me back a reply. And might I say, the reply kind of made me upset. Upset not because of what she said, but upset because I know what she said was true. I’m dwelling in my own self pity right now. I’m expecting too much to happen too soon. I’m thinking of the worst, when in fact I shouldn’t be. I should be glad that our application was given a chance to even be looked at. I should be glad that immigration is still looking at our case. I should realize that our case isn’t the only one our case officer has to manage, and it JUST might take a little time for him to figure everything out.

In my eyes, if I have to go back home, that is the worst feeling, worst scenario ever. Last night I felt like my life would be over if I had to do that. I told this to my mum, and she came back with the statement that there are people far worse off than I am. She asked me “how would you react if you found out your partner was diagnosed with terminal cancer, or she got hit by a car and died, or came home and told me she didn’t love me anymore..how all would I react to that?” She told me that there are people who are in the military to are being shipped to Iraq for 2 years. How do I think their family and loved ones are thinking, knowing that they may not come back alive? She told me that she often wonders where God was when my brother got hit by a car and ended up in the hospital for months. She wonders where God was when her and my dad went through some major financial woes. She said that things happen to people, and sometimes there isn’t an explanation for it, and we just have to accept the fact and hopefully move on. My mum told me I have a place to stay and my car is still at their house. I’ll get a job, and I’ll weigh out the 3 years. She makes it seem so easy doesn’t she? But as I’ve said before, physically I’d be fine…emotionally, that’s what is bothering me.

My mum pretty much told me I needed to get a grip. And now that I’m thinking about it, I know I need to. I know people are starting to get antsy with me, with how much I’m obsessing over this whole scenario. And in the end, everything could turn out wonderful for us. I’m too busy worrying, to think about that. Well, I DO think about how excited I will be once I’m granted the residency, but I’m wallowing in my own self pity too much.

For the most part, I seem okay, if someone is around me, I don’t seem to panic as much. But I’m getting all worked up, because we didn’t get an answer immediately. That is my own fault, for expecting too much, too soon, as I’ve said. I know it won’t be the end of the world if I DO have to go back home. I just will have to think of it as another obstacle, another setback. But I’m trying so hard to stay positive when I can. But everything seems like it’s a dream, it’s surreal and I just want to open my eyes and wake up. I know that’s not possible. I have to just tell myself that we won’t hear anything this week. I will have a good weekend. My partner’s cousin’s birthday get together is tomorrow night. I’ll go to that, try to stay positive. Saturday we’re cooking and getting ready for my birthday party on Sunday. Sunday I’ll be around family and friends, and then we’ll focus on the week coming up. I have to take one day at a time, live for now, because if I keep thinking of the future, it’s only going to bring me down.

-current mood-SHAMEFUL, because I know there are people far worst off than me right now.

Strength in Serenity

Last night was the first night in a week that I was home alone. I had a few small breakdowns, but I didn’t cry. Right now, I’m listening to a wonderful cd of nothing but waterfall sounds and the atmosphere is completely relaxing. To my left, is my chalkboard, with my affirmation of the day being “good things come to those who wait.” As I look over onto the ironing board, my kitty Charlie is sleeping peacefully. I look at her and wonder “does she realize just how good she has it? I know she doesn’t know any different, but to have a life like hers, how great would that be right now?”

Every day that goes by, I am trying to find some strength and solace in anything that I can. In one aspect, it’s good that we haven’t heard anything straight away because that means that they’re still looking over our case. But in a different aspect, it also means that they didn’t have the green light before. I keep thinking that they WANT to give me my residency, but because I broke the law, they have to find reasons to give it to me. What makes this all disheartening, is the fact, that HAD we not had this immigration problem, they would be looking to see just how genuine our relationship is. They want to be looking at whether it’s a committed relationship and a continuing one. Clearly with all the evidence we provided (over 250 exhibits) they could clearly see that we are a committed and genuine couple. And that I’m not here in Australia to just get residency. As I told someone before, who asked me if I had any other ties to Australia, my only reason for being here in Australia is because I happened to fall in love with a woman from Australia. If I hadn’t fallen in love with my partner, I wouldn’t be trying to come to Australia. But because of this visa misunderstanding, my partner and I are now pleading our case. Before, they knew we were a genuine couple and our relationship was ongoing. But now immigration is asking us to plead and hope that our commitment to each other is enough reason for them to grant me my visa. If we didn’t have the misunderstanding back in July, there would be no question of whether it was a compelling reason or not, b/c the evidence was clear. But now we are asking ourselves, and immigration is trying to make it seem like it’s NOT compelling enough. It doesn’t seem fair, that at one point we were proving the commitment of our relationship, but now, there is so much more emphasis on our commitment to each other. That I think, aside from not knowing when we’ll find out, is what gets to me the most. They KNOW we’re committed and in a genuine relationship, and if everything happened the way we thought it would have, I’d have my residency right now and I’d be looking for work.

But I can’t dwell on that, or on anything. Immigration hasn’t given us the FULL NO yet. And until they do, I just have to keep hoping and praying that sometime soon we’ll get the good news we want. It’s easy to try and tell myself this, but of course, with the way my mind works, it’s not a possibility for my emotions to come to its senses. I KNOW there isn’t any point in stressing or dwelling on all the things I could have done differently. What I have to focus on, what I have to put my positive energy towards, is the hope and grace that God will help with fate and make everything go the way we wanted. If it doesn’t, my partner and I already have a name of an immigration lawyer that we will go to if we have to lodge an appeal. She’s a friend of a friend, and I just hope she has enough experience to help us win our appeal. For the time being, I’m going to try and stay calm, and eat. I’ve lost about 5 lbs in the past week, and being not very big to start off with, that isn’t healthy.

I had this wonderful “thought of the day” by Ralph Marston, but because of copyright laws, I’m not going to post it in my blog. If you’d like to know what thought I was thinking about, just do a google search for “strength in serenity by Ralph Marston” and you’ll be able to read it. In some instances, you’re able to use it, but I don’t want to infringe on any copyright laws or anything. You know me, I’ve already broken one law, don’t need to do it again eh??

-current mood-IN A DAZE, as thou I'm in a dream..I wish this was all a dream.

Who Wants to be a Millionare

Last night, on Millionaire, FINALLY someone won the million dollar prize here in Australia. The show has been on air for 6 years now, and finally a nice gentleman won. I believe he had 2 of his lifelines left at $125,000. After that, he had 3 questions left, used 2 lifelines, then just went ahead and had a go. The $500,000 question, was “what ivy league university gives out the Pultizer Prize award?” The options were, Columbia, Princeton, Harvard and Yale. The “coach” that was his nickname, did ask the audience. 23% said Harvard, then it was Princeton, then Yale and then Columbia was the least amount of votes. The coach went against the audience, and chose Columbia, because of the location. And he won the $500,000 dollars. Only 10 people have seen the million dollar question, and no one had taken the risk, at least I don’t think so. I could of course be wrong. Sooo, the million dollar question was “What 60’s show premiered first?” The options were Bewitched, Get Smart, Hogan’s Heros, and I Dream of Jeannie. I had to slap myself because I watch Bewitched and I Dream of Jeannie every day, and everyday I see the ending credits with the copyright date. But it had phased me. Coach talked it out with himself, had no idea whether he was right or not, but took the risk. And it was a well paid off one. It was so exciting to watch on the tv. I myself would have liked to have been in that spot, but it was nice to see someone win it finally.

What made this guy decide to do this, is 5 years ago he went to a clairvoiant (sp) and she told him that in his 30’s he’d win a decent amout of money. Didn’t say how, but she had said something about studying I think. I personally have had skepticism about psychics and that sort of stuff, but I’m beginning to believe it. It sucks that it costs a lot in order to get a reading. My partner’s sister has gone to them a few times, and she even has “gut” feelings. But maybe we all have “gut” feelings. But one incident I can remember my partner telling me, is that they went to a psychic/clarivoiant (sorry if I’m putting them in the same category) and the woman had mentioned something about my partner’s ex fiance. I don’t know how long he had been dead, but there was mention of his name. Kind of eerie, but very exciting at the same time. I wish there was a way we’d be able to know whether we’ll get the good news that we want, and when. I’m not interested in psychic stuff, but I’d be interested in researching more about star signs and astrology. Not sure where to start. But nonetheless, Coach kept the recorded message, and it brought him his success. So I say “good on him!” It was well deserved I think, and it just put a glimpse of happiness and hope in my heart.

-current mood-CALM for the moment

Music and stress

In yesterday’s newspaper, there was an article about stress and music. It stated that if one is to play soothing music, such as nature type music, with rivers and waterfalls, that that calming sound is supposed to help relieve stress. So my partner and I hooked up some speakers to the DVD player in the bedroom, and we listened to some piano music I had. My partner doesn’t care much for piano music, she thinks it’s boring. But it soothed me and I actually felt relaxed going to sleep last night. I’m hoping to buy some other type of soothing music, but can’t seem to find it here in regular stores. I know back in the states, it’s really easy to find. I was feeling calm and collected last night, and I fell asleep pretty quickly. But then as soon as I woke up this morning, the butterflies and knots started back up. But I’m staying at my sister in law’s house this evening till my partner can come pick me up. That way I’m not in a house all alone. I’m hoping I’ll be able to do it for the next few days. But I know eventually I’ll have to handle being by myself.

My mum told me to give it 2 weeks before we hear something, and if we don’t by then, to start thinking about hiring a lawyer. I am really hoping, that we hear something sometime this week. I don’t know if they are going to send us a letter, saying yes, or no, or if we have to go in for another interview, or even if they’ll ring us on the phone. I’m crossing my fingers that our case officer received our letter today. On Sunday we’re having a bbq for my birthday, and I’m still praying and hoping that we’ll know something by then and have good news for us. But until then, the music is going to keep on being played while we fall asleep. If the only time I am NOT stressed is when I’m sleeping, well that will be just fine by me.

-current mood-AFRAID

Staying positive

Do people find it hard to stay positive, when in fact it seems impossible to do such? People can tell me to stay positive, that everything will work out. But until they’ve been in the actual situation, they really can’t know. People tell me that our love will get us through, and that I need to find some solace, if that’s even possible. I’m always trying to think that our love will get us through, I try to find solace, but it all reverts back to me thinking of the worst. But there IS strength in serenity, and I’m trying so hard to find the strength to stay positive.

My mum says that what I’ve been experiencing is depression, she’s been through it, and I’m going through it right now. She tells me I need to keep my health up by taking vitamins, and other natural herbal remedies. Watching tv, or just having noise around, it may seem mundane, but she says it helps. I know I’m depressed, and stressed, but I also know that I need to still be able to live somewhat of a life, as she says. It may seem like it’s impossible to do, with how much is going on in our lives. I have to keep telling myself that I’m doing this for my partner. I need to stay strong and positive, because I know she needs to have some positive efforts in her life. She can only be positive for so long, but she too, needs a support system.

People tell me that I should have looked further into our situation before I made the trip to Australia. But I DID do my research. I researched this for 2 years, before I finally made the decision to move. I arrived on a 4 month working holiday visa, and I knew that I needed to apply for a 6 month tourist visa. I did just that, but when I found out information about getting the extension, that is where the major hiccup happened. I rang DIMIA and asked them about the multiple travel condition. I had options, that if I couldn’t have done that, I had an option if I had found at when I came back from NZ that my visa extension wasn’t going to go thru. Like I told our case officer, I run the scenario a thousand times in my head, and I didn’t think I needed an immigration lawyer. I’ve known many couples who have gone thru this process without one, and they made it okay.

I know immigration is complicated, and very daunting, that’s why I did my research. I thought I did it to the full extent that I could have. I made assumptions that once a visa expires, that it’s void and is no longer in the picture. Obviously that isn’t the case, and I KNOW that now. DIMIA knows that people have to find ways to get the 12 months together, they also know that many couples go to NZ to get the new visas to stay. DIMIA knows all of this, and it wasn’t as thou I was being deceitful intentionally. I couldn’t just flat out tell DIMIA that I had plans of staying permanently to Australia, I couldn’t have done that without a visa that fit that criteria, and there just isn’t one. I’m at fault, DIMIA is at fault, everyone is at fault to a certain extent. But at the same time, we’re all NOT at fault, if that even make sense. I can’t be running negative thoughts into my head and thinking “if I had only gotten an immigration lawyer” I can’t be thinking “if I had only researched more” or any thing that is negative. It’s only going to bring me down, and it’s going to add more stress to me. What good is it for me to be thinking all these negative thoughts when what is done is done? Yes, sure maybe I should have done ALL of my research, to the full extent of the law, but I didn’t think I needed to. I thought I had all the information I needed. And it all boils down to many misunderstandings. I know it, my partner knows it, other people know it. It’s now just a matter of proving to DIMIA and our case officer, that my partner and I deserve to be together, despite me being illegal for as long as I did.

I know that running scenarios through my head isn’t going to get me anywhere. Even when we talk to other people about it, they start getting thougths in my head, and it makes me think that I AM more at fault. But what is done, is done, and all I can hope for and think about, is that there will be some compassion in the person that ultimately makes us or breaks us. But keeping busy will help me, being around other people will help me as well. But how long is this going to take, before I will be able to be by myself and be okay with it? I’m staying positive, I am, I am. All good will come out of this, let’s just think of this as another test to prove just how committed my partner and I are to each other. And I’d so much appreciate it, if I kept getting those sort of feedback from others. I know people are thinking realistically, so am I. But I can’t go back in time and get myself a lawyer, I can’t go back in time and change things. All I can do is wait, pray, and hope that God is on our side.

-current mood-MORE STRESSED, because of what some people have been telling me I SHOULD have done. DOI, I know what I should have done. But what is done is done, I can't change what I did, or didn't do.