The logic of this article...

I don't understand the logic behind pardoning a child sex offender who was found guilty of murdering and raping a young girl in Thailand. Along with the Queensland Premier, I too am quite disappointed, more so pretty peeved off, that a child sex offender has been given a "royal pardon." It really makes you wonder why someone decides to pardon someone for one reason, but not for another. People are in prison for drug offences (not that I believe in drug mules) will spend more time in prison for having drugs found on them, than someone who actually murders and sexually assaults someone. ::shaking head in disbelief:: I'm a strong advocate for victim's rights, and it's just so not okay when you read stories like below. ::pointing finger down::

There was an interview with the gentleman (if you'd even call him that) and he looked like he hadn't shaved or had a haircut in the whole time he was in prison. He looked like the type of guy that when you saw him walking down the street, you'd make sure you steered clear away from him. You know that "gut" feeling, well, it would be going off the scales. Some may say "he served his time" but I don't think he served his time long enough. And to be pardoned....what good is that doing for the family that lost their daughter???

Beattie condemns Thai pardon for Qld paedophile -Thanks to yahoo.com.au

The Queensland Premier says he is disappointed at a royal pardon given to Brisbane man, Bradley Pendragon, who was convicted of child-sex crimes in Thailand.

The 46-year-old is set to be deported, having served 10 years of a 15-year prison sentence.
Peter Beattie says Pendragon should be placed on the national child offender register and watched closely by police.

"I frankly think he should have spent more time in jail," he said.

"Because I think there's nothing more horrendous than offences against children.

"One of the reasons we've brought in tough penalties in this state in relation to paedophiles is that, after examination, we actually believe that many paedophiles simply can't be cured."

Mr Beattie says Pendragon will be closely monitored if he returns to his home state.

"Our understanding at the moment is we don't know if he's coming here," he said.

"But if he is, we would want him monitored and we would want him to be on the national register because we don't want (him)to re-offend, and I make no apology for that."

The Reason

Trying to find the perfect song that says "I'm sorry" for all the pain and hurt I've caused people in my life thus far, it's a difficult task. After much thought, I came up with this song. Though I know I'm not perfect, nothing can excuse the way I've treated people in my past. I was always told that it would come back and haunt me. And I think it does, every winter. No one has said anything or done anything to have me re-evaluate my actions or past happenings, but I just wish I was able to get over some of the things I've done. Whether the fact that I can't, means I have a guilty conscience, well, I know I do. I definitely don't dispute that. But whether I can get past my own guilt, and move forward, that is a constant struggle for me.

I was talking to some colleagues of mine today, and got to talking about my stress level. Right now isn't a good time, winter is here, it's cold, it's dark early, and even though I don't get severely depressed, I do feel down. I'm always the hardest on myself the worst, during winter. It never fails, winter comes around, and I am always pondering on every horrible thing I've done, and often wonder why I did or said the things I did. But every year, I can't justify my actions. But I get over it, until the next winter.

I often wonder if I'll ever get full closure. I don't know if it's possible, as there are lot of regrets in my life. But I know that as soon as the sun starts to come out, the weather starts to warm up, I feel better about myself, and I come to the realization that things happen for a reason, and what ever those reasons are, I have to live with it. I can't take back the pain I've caused, but I have to keep telling myself that I should be happy now in my life. And I am happy, but there's definitely something missing. What that is, I don't know, and I don't know if I'll ever know.

The Reason is a song that gets me crying every single time I hear it. It's a song I play, or used to play when I was alone and needed a good cry. It's a song that explains how sorry I am...but that "you" are the reason for my change. "You" are the reason why I've had to look deep within myself and change. Whether it's for the better, that's a matter of opinion. Whether "You" ever hear my deepest apologies, and take them to heart, that is unknown. But if I can subconsciously say "I'm sorry" then I know that's all I can do.

It's not a matter of me wanting to make myself feel better, because I could never do that. But it's all about closure. Some people aren't able to move on completely unless there is closure, I happen to be one of those people. Doesn't mean I spend every waking moment pondering upon whether I'll get closure, but it does mean that I'll always have something to think about.

The Reason By Hoobastank

I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do

But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found out a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you

I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
That's why I need you to hear

I've found out a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is You
And the reason is You
And the reason is You
And the reason is You

I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found out a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you

I've found out a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you

Do you ever wonder...

What might have been?

I know it's not a good idea to wonder what if, or what could have happened. I personally don't find it emotionally healthy for myself, but at the same time, it's something that I seem to do every winter. I believe I suffer from SAD, but not to an extreme degree. And maybe the combination of that, and it just being horrible outside...I can't help but wonder a lot of things.

I don't have much, if any contact with any of my ex's. Part of that is by choice, part of that isn't. In one aspect, I sometimes think it's wise to just keep the past as that. But in retrospect, I can't help but wonder how someone is doing. Just because we may have realized we were not meant for each other, that doesn't mean I don't want to see them happy. I've tried to stay in touch with ex's, but it's a two way street. Other times, I've tried to make contact, and they wanted nothing to do with me. Fair enough, I deserve what I am dished out to me.

Am I selfish to want to have that friendship back? Am I selfish to want it back, after the way I treated someone? I'm not proud of my past, and I can't take it back. Some people are able to forgive and forget, others, are not so lucky. The more I think about it, the more I just want to find out how happy someone ELSE has made them. I obviously couldn't, for one reason or another, but someone else has been fortunate enough to make them happy.

Even though many may say my previous relationships didn't exist, for the simple fact that we had never met in person, a part of me still wishes we had met. There was an emotional connection, and that's something that will always stay with me. I've learned a lot from my past, and I don't expect anyone to understand why I did the things I did. But I often can't help but wonder if there will ever come a time, where I'll be able to have a decent conversation with people from my past. I can understand why someone wouldn't want to. After being hurt as much as they may have, talking may just bring up so much buried anger.

I'm not perfect, in fact I have never presumed to think I ever was...I've been hurt in my past, but it's only made me who I am today. I think of how I hurt people, and how I didn't think anything of it. But I think of the ramifications that ended up happening, because of the way I dd things or didn't do something. I think about my life, and wonder if I would have been happy had I stayed with someone, or even sussed up enough courage to let them know how I truly felt.

I find it strange, that every winter I feel this way. I feel sad, and remorseful, and I feel like a complete arse. I want to make amends, and I've tried. But one can only make ammends to someone who will reciprocate some sort of response. But I don't expect anyone to give me the benefit of the doubt. Over and over, in my head, I practice conversations of how I'd talk to someone, when trying to apologize. I practice over and over, of what I'd say to someone who I truly loved, and probably still love to a certain degree.

Even though I am with someone who makes me happy (most of the time ::winking::) I still can't help but think about my past, think about the people who have made a HUGE impact in my life, and just wonder "if only I had said this" or "if only I didn't do this..." would I be in a different place now? I know there isn't any point in delving up the past, but sometimes delving up the past by myself, makes me realize just how hurtful and how hurt I was. And it makes me stronger. But it also makes me really sad, to the point where I cry and can't stop.

I wish for a lot of things...but I know that it won't happen. But I guess I've dug my own grave, and now I have to lie in it. But that still doesn't make everything all warm and fuzzy. Even if I'll never be able to say the things I want, to the few people who still mean something to me...saying it to myself, makes me feel better. I can only hope that when I'm long gone, the people who've made the most impact in my life, will know just how much they meant to me. Even if they never hear it from me personally, I just hope they realize just how much they meant to me.

And with that, I will close.

Woman on the train

This woman that I've seen a number of times at the train station, she's very attractive, and I don't hide the attraction from my partner. I've talked about her a few times in my blog, only for the sake that I've had fantasies about her.

This woman, I don't know her name, in truth, we've never talked. We've only seen each other from time to time. But I actually haven't seen her for quite some time. I think because I take the earlier train that what I was before, I don't see her. I know what kind of car she drives (I've seen her drive off in it, and know her license plate), and no that doesn't mean I'm stalking...I just am quite observant. But I haven't seen her for about a month I would say, and so she's kind of slipped from my mind.

But that all came back to me yesterday. My partner and I were at the shopping centre, right near the train station I go to. We're walking around, trying to dodge all the other people. I look up, and guess who's there. Yep, she was. It scared the crap out of me, and I got butterflies in my stomach. I don't know if she actually saw me, or recognized me, and I think by the time I realized who it was, she was already walking away. I find it quite ironic, that I have never seen her face on front of me, it's always been the profile view. By the time I collected myself, she'd gone. But I was paranoid the whole rest of the time I was there, wondering if we'd run into each other. I felt silly, because I was all looking at what I was wearing and thinking to myself "damn, why didn't I dress up??" Not that I would have dressed up, but I wish I had looked a little better than I did.

Later, I told my partner that I'd seen her and she just laughed at me. But now that I've seen her, I haven't been able to stop thinking about her. I had a dream about her last night, and I have been thinking about her constantly all day today. This woman, she's completely out of my reach (even if I were single) and she smokes. But I have this mini crush on her, and every time I think about her I get all woozy.

As much as I love my partner, and am committed to her, I can't help but think naughty thoughts about this other woman. My partner knows this, and doesn't say anything about it. She understands my need to feel sexual (being we don't have sex hardly ever) and can understand where I'm coming from. She has never said she feels threatened that I'd cheat on her, but she understands my needs to "dream." I too, have the same idea...though my partner doesn't dream about other people, from what she's told me.

But this woman....I can't help but feel something exciting for her, even though I know nothing would ever happen. I guess having this mini crush (though it's been going on for oh...5 months now, it makes me feel human ::smirks::