Blogging, what perks your interest?

I’ve been blogging for about 3 months now. And in that time, I have a few loyal readers. Aside from the loyal readers, I often wonder “what makes you decide to read my blog?” Since I also have yahoo 360, what makes people decide to add me to their list. I got this topic question from browsing other people’s blog. Blogging is a great thing. It kind of strange, in the fact that you’re peeking yourself into someone else’s world. Some people are really intense with their entries, other people like to be lighthearted. But nonetheless, there is just something about someone else’s frame of mind, that intrigues me to read on.

I think for me, if someone has a picture of themselves, that is one way I’ll decide to keep reading. Now, we all know that it’s not nice to be judgemental based on looks, but it’s interesting to read about someone’s life, once you’ve already established a picture of them. For those people who don’t have pictures (like myself, of my face at least) I have yet to imagine what one may look like. It’s nice to put a face to words, but at the same time, there is a bit of mystery that makes reading someone’s blog more enticing if you don’t know what they look like.

I will say, what WON’T get me interested in reading someone’s blog, and that’s usually if I see a picture of boobs or someone’s bum hanging out of their panties. As lovely as someone’s boobs and bum may be, what fun is there in the imagination, if there isn’t anything to imagine? Some may call me prude, but unbeknownst to many lesbians out there, just because I’m gay, that doesn’t mean I wanna see your fanny or your boobs. There are plenty of other people out there who enjoy that sort of thing, so I don’t think my actions, or lackthereof is going to be missed at all .

I like reading blogs that actually have some sort of content to them. I like reading about people’s lives. I usually read only women’s blogs, whether they are gay or straight. But if someone happens to post a comment on my blog, I will read their blog. And more than likely they’ll have people commenting on their blog, and I’ll read their blog. So it’s kind of like a domino affect. I’ve met some great people who blog, and some great inspiration. There are some truly talented people out there, and I don’t really think it’s their intention. It just seems like they’re able to spill out what ever is on their mind and they are able to articulate it so well.

I have people on my yahoo 360 list that I haven’t talked to once since being added to the list. They’ve never commented on my blog, so I have no idea whether they read it or not. Is it some kind of popularity contest to them, to see who has more friends? I’d rather have less friends, but who actually communicated with me and talked to me, than have a bunch of people that I don’t even know. I’ll admit that I don’t keep in touch with everyone that I’ve added, but I’m trying to work on that. I usually keep in touch with people who blog. If you don’t have a blog, what is there really to say?

Blogging is a great way to communicate and to get one’s opinions and views across to the world. And I know that we can’t communicate with everyone, but it’d just be kind of nice to know that you have the loyal readers that you do have. I just wish more people would leave comments…that way I could get some sort of indication as to just how many loyal readers I DO have. One one of my blogs, I have a counter, to see how much traffic I get. But just how accurate is it? This post is of course, not to guilt people into leaving comments. I’d rather have genuine comments than a bunch of rubbish just for the sake of it. I guess I should be grateful when I do get a comment, it makes me feel good knowing that someone is actually reading what I write. But at the end of the day, the blog is my space, it’s an outlet for me, and that’s all that should matter.

I heard about blogging years ago, and I had started a few blogs, but never kept it going. Nor did I have the great community of friends to share my thoughts and feelings with. I used to worry about what other people would think, so I’d make my blog private. But when I started reading blogs again a few months back, I realized, “what’s the point of me worrying? There should always be a place and a space where we can feel like we can express ourselves in what ever way we see fit.” And that’s when I decided I would start a blog and I haven’t backed down since. There have been moments where I didn’t want to blog, but I forced myself to. What I write is my own things and my own views. If people don’t like it, they don’t have to read it. Just as I’m very capable of not reading about some random lesbian and her sexual escapade. What ever floats your boat right? That’s what I say. But I just think about how many different things we’re allowed to do on the internet, and I’m just so grateful that there is a place where I can write, and people can read what I write.

-current mood-RELIEVED, kitty was missing but now she's found.

Transgendered Issues, Conclusion

Because I have never been romantically involved with someone who identified as transgendered, I don’t feel like I have the sensitivity to understand what one has gone through or may go through during their lifetime. I think about my own coming out experience and how hard it was for me. But to come out as believing you were born the wrong gender, I have absolutely no idea how hard that journey is. I feel like there is more stigma toward transgendered people than there are with gay people. And even though I may never be with someone transgendered, it doesn’t stop me from befriending or being interested in the transgendered.

For some people who do date transgendered people, they don’t see it any differently. They like to believe there is as much excitement, if not more, with being with a transgendered. I commend the thoughts and views that these people have. I say this, because I sort of feel like I’m limiting myself to many great things. But maybe because I’ve never been romantically approached by a transgendered, that I just don’t understand. I don’t know how I’d react to being with a transgendered person. I say this in a respectful manner, because I honestly don’t know how I’d react. I can’t see myself being rude or mean about it, but more than likely I’d turn down a date with a transgendered. But at the same time, curosity would get the better of me, and I WOULD be interested in dating a transgendered. Mainly to find out more about them, and more about what they went through. But I wouldn’t want the date to feel like an interrogation. I’d be up front with the person and would hope that they wouldn’t get offended. Just as people find my “gayness” interesting, I’d find one’s “transgenderedism” interesting.

But when does it end for a transgendered to stop identifying themselves as such? Will they always have that “stigma” attached to them? Or will there come a time when they can say “yes I’m male” and leave it at that. Will they always have to explain themselves to everyone? Or once the operation and full transition is finished, do they then stop identifying as being transgendered?

There are still yet so many questions and thoughts that I could talk and write about. As you all can see with my posts, I am still very naïve on the topic. But I guess for me, a lesbian woman, I can’t see myself being romantically involved with someone who identifed as transgendered. But I hope that with these posts, it doesn’t make me any less of a person because of my choices. I have transgendered friends, and as I’ve said, the transgendered facinate me. I believe we’re all equal and we’re all trying to survive in this crazy thing we call life . I unfortunately though do not have a true understanding of being transgendered and I don’t think it would be fair on the person I was with, because of my insensitivity or lack of knowledge to the subject. But just as it may be someone’s choice to date a certain person, it would be my preference not to date a transgendered person. Just as a preference for me, I won’t date bisexual women. But nonetheless, I am hoping with the fact that the more I get involved in the gay and lesbian community, the more research I do, the more people I talk to, I will eventually get a better understanding of transgendered life.

-current mood-HAPPY, my partner dropped me off my dinner :)

Transgendered Issues, part II

To people who are not transgendered, they may have this belief that if you’re born male, you will always be labelled as such. If this is the view of some people, would that mean, that someone who was F2M was and will always be “deep down” female? I remember reading awhile back, that someone believed that someone who was born male, will always be thought as male..even if they transition fully into a female. And with this thought, that they would never be fully accepted into any sort of community. This question was raised in a group I was in. I had no problem with allowing transgendered individuals into our group. But some other people thought that there was still a part of “maleness” in the person, and that they didn’t feel comfortable enough allowing such people into the group. Now I may be totally way off base here, but that is sort of what I remember. I remember a question about transgendered individuals came up, and then the topic and debate of whether to allow someone who was once male into the group came up. It was all cleared up, and everything was fine.

But personally, I don’t think it’s anyone elses’ place to say whether one is male or female. It’s hard enough being who we are, but to be condemned from one group to the next, and not being able to fit in, because you don’t fit the specific definition of gender, it makes for confusing times. Biology is not always right when it comes to the sex and gender of a baby. Is it just male and female, or is it more? THAT in itself is saved for another post entry . But back to biology, XX and XY doesn’t always mean what science has typically said it means. There are women out there who have XY chromosomes and men who have XX chromosomes. There are a number of other hormonal deficiences that either add or subtract chromosomes, so how does one identify themselves then? So with all of these differences, can we as individuals really define someones sex/gender?

In one aspect, I feel like there is a double standard for me. I can’t see myself being with a F2M because they now would identify themselves as male, regardless of whether they had a penis or not. But I don’t know if I could allow myself to be comfortable being with a M2F, because I would have in my head that they were once male. I don’t know if I could get past those thoughts. Would I be labelled less of a lesbian (if there is even such a thing) because I was now with someone who identified as male? But there is more to my feelings than wondering what others would see me as. More than likely, people would see me as a heterosexual woman who was involved with a heterosexual man. But that brings another question…how would my partner identify themselves? Being “female” and being with me, a female, they would more than likely have identified as a lesbian. But now they went through the transition, would this now mean they’d identify as a heterosexual? So in both aspects, the two people’s own identities that they had instilled on themselves for so much time, were now being swiped away. Or is there such a thing as a F2M lesbian? But that seems illogical, because how can a lesbian be male?

Is being with someone just about gender or does their anatomy matter as well? Could I see myself being with someone who was intersexed? If they still identified as female, but just happened to have a penis as well as breasts, could I be with someone like that? Some may say anatomy isn’t an issue, that it’s about the person and who they are. But isn’t part of loving someone and being with someone, also loving their anatomy? Isn’t that why we all prefer to be with certain people, for the physical and sexual gratification that these “parts” give to us? I know for me, there isn’t anything “nice” about a penis. I’ve been a fortunate one, who didn’t have to have sex with a man, or have to have sex in general, to know that I was gay…I just knew. But it seems like anatomy would be a major hurdle I’d have to overcome, if I could, if I was to decide to be with a transgendered individual or stay with someone who decided to transition.

To be continued…

-current mood-QUEASY, have an upset stomach.

Transgendered Issues, part I

The topic of transgenderism has been something of interest to me. Being part of the gay and lesbian community, I have found through the years since coming out, that transgenderism is something of equal interest. I've done a lot of reading and research on the topic but yet I still feel completely in the dark about this issue. At my last work place in the states, transgenderism was a topic emphasized as something we had to be sensitive to. Working with homeless, runaway and at risk youth, we had some youth who identified as transgendered. In the 2 years that I worked there, our workplace became more culturally sensitive to transgendered youth. And with working with the few people that did come our way, I got a better understanding of what it was like to be transgendered.

Someone once recently asked "have you or would you ever date someone who identified as transgendered?" And I still have yet to answer this question. This question to me, is not a simple "yes" or "no" answer. There seems to be many factors in this question that I don't know if I could give a definite answer. It's just something, that when I think more about the question, more questions of my own come into play.

So many questions come to mind. Questions that I sometimes feel skeptical in asking. I feel skeptical in asking certain things because I know that some people may get offended or take what I say the wrong way. But then I realize that my own ignorance (whether it be on purpose or not, who knows) is my own thing. And I should be able to ask things and make my own speculations without sounding like a complete moron. My own questions and curiosities are not geared to be demeaning or hurtful, it's just that I truly am oblivious to a lot of transgendered issues.

My first thought, when the idea of me being involved with someone who identifies as F2M (female 2 male) is "how can I identify myself as a lesbian, if I'm with someone who identifies as male?" A person who identifies as F2M believes they are male. So how could I, a woman who loves only women, be with someone who believed they were in fact male? It's one thing to label yourself as butch, but if you're F2M, you're not butch, you feel like you were in fact in the wrong body at birth. And as part of my convictions and own ideas, the idea of being with a male, biologically or not, I can't see myself in that position. But does this mean that I'm more worried about my own identity, or is it something else, or maybe even a combination?

Aside from identifying as male, there is another issue at hand. As a lesbian, I love the female body. I love everything that consumes the female body. I love to cuddle up next to a set of breasts (not flat ones) and to feel and smell the essence of a woman. Being a lesbian is loving women and everything about them. If a F2M went through the complete transition, they would be getting rid of the one thing that I love most, that of being a woman. They would also be adding something that I never, nor ever will I want a part of..that being a penis. So how would I, a lesbian, be able to cope with someone who now had a penis? I don't think I would be able to. And honestly, I don't know if I'd want to.

If we look at this from a heterosexual point of view, since many of you may be indeed heterosexual, let's see how it looks. If a man married or was involved with a woman and this woman decides to come out that she infact believes she is a man, goes through the operation and now has a penis, how is her male partner to react? How would YOU react, if your wife or female partner realizes that all those feelings growing up are now resurfacing and she knows that she needs to let you know that she feels like she's trapped in the wrong body? For so much of this man's life, he was with women..intimiately and maybe not so intimately. Now he's being faced with the prospect that his life partner, now has a penis. What would one do? Will the male partner be able to see past the penis and stay with the F2M because they made a vow in front of God? Does this now make him gay? Would me be being with a F2M then make me heterosexual? And how would I react to this notion? Knowing how hard it was for me to come out as gay, to then go back into the closet and say in fact "no I'm actually heterosexual because I'm with someone who now identifies as male?"

In a lot of the research I've done, I've mainly heard of M2F cases. Very seldom do I hear about F2M cases. And a lot of emphasis in M2F cases revolve around the female partner in the relationship and whether she decides to stay with her partner that she thought was male for so long. Some people say that they'd stay with their partner, regardless of whether they made the transition or not. And it may seem like such an easy question to answer when love is in the picture. But for someone who always believed they were heterosexual, they now have to grapple with the idea of whether they're going to identify as gay now, now that they're with a woman. And could a woman who was so used to dating someone with a penis, be comfortable being intimiate with someone who now had a vagina?

With F2M cases, I've never met or read a situation where the F2M was in a heterosexual relationship to begin with. All the cases I've heard, are F2M who are in lesbian relationships, who then transition. Many may argue that in the lesbian community, maybe a F2M secretly always wanted to be male..but being "stone butch" wasn't good enough for them. But in truth, F2M individuals DO believe they were supposed to be born male.

With all of this said thus far, I often wonder where the stigma lies more prevalently. You watch the Jerry Springer show, and you see how transsexuals are portrayed, mainly M2F transsexuals. Are M2F transsexuals more stigmatized then F2M transsexuals? And another question, is one identified as a transsexual, if they decide to go through the transition, whether it's the full transition or not? I know what pre-on and post-op means, but is the label of transsexual defined as someone who is transgendered and going through the transition? Yet again, another question I have.

To be continued....

-current mood-RELAXED, just came from being outside in the sun.

My other kitty

I got to thinking, about all this recent attention toward my kitty Charlie, my other kitty Toby probably feels left out . I thought I’d post a picture of him. I had a picture of him in my post titled “Toby” but did some editing and ended up removing the picture. It’s been quite a few months since I’ve actually seen Toby. Well, on the webcam that is. My sister was having some complications with her computer, so I don’t know if she ever got her webcam to work. Hopefully I’ll be webcamming with my family for Thanksgiving, and I’ll be able to see my darling Toby then. But my sister keeps me updated on Toby and all the “quirky” things he enjoys doing. I’m glad that my sister and her husband have Toby, but I sure do miss him.

I was hoping that by now, I would have been able to get a new kitty. My partner said that once I was made a resident we’d consider getting a kitty. But because this process is taking forever, I’m still waiting. When ever we go to the pet shop, I always have to stop in to see if there are any cute kitties. I wouldn’t buy one at the petshop, I’d rather spend my money on a kitty at the humane society. But sometimes going to the petshop, it makes me really sad. I see cats and dogs there in such confined spaces and I just feel so sorry for them. If I had it my way, I’d take them all home. I of course, know that’s not possible, but I just feel so bad. I’m even worse when I go to the humane society. I remember when I picked Toby up, there were sooooo many kittens and cats that were ready to be adopted. It just breaks my heart knowing that so many of them are put to sleep. But people are careless and don’t de-sex their animals..which is unfortunate. Animals don’t understand, and when people end up being careless and get their animals pregnant, it’s their own fault. People need to realize that de-sexing IS something crucial, otherwise we’ll keep on sending more and more animals to the humane society, which will then eventually be put to sleep because there are not enough people in this world to adopt out all of the animals.

-current mood-HUNGRY for something sweet.

Kitty and massager

Our kitty Charlie absolutely loves this massager we have. It’s run on electricity, and has these vibrating balls. My partner got it for herself awhile ago, because she was constantly having back problems. And because my hands are not capable of massaging for long periods of time, she got it to hopefully help her muscle problems. Well, when my partner turned on the massager, we thought Charlie would run away. She doesn’t like noises all that often, and is easily spooked by a sudden noise. But nope, Charlie went up to the massager and started to rub her face and body against it. Pretty soon, my partner started to rub the massager across the back of Charlie. Charlie LOVED it. I’d never seen a cat like something so much.

A couple of nights ago, I got the massager out to massage my partner’s back muscles. As soon as I got it out and turned it on, Charlie was right there, patiently waiting for her turn. I think I ended up massaging Charlie more so than my partner. Charlie couldn’t stop purring and I massaged her back, the top of her bum area, and let Charlie rub the side of her face with the massager. I thought Charlie was going to start drooling she loved it that much.

Charlie is the first cat that I’ve seen that has loved being massaged. She even loves it when she’s sitting on your lap and you give her a massage with your hands. But it has to be when Charlie’s in the mood. If you start massaging her, when she’s not in the mood, she’ll snap at your hands. Sometimes, when Charlie has had enough, she’ll snap at your hands as well. I wonder if aside from the vibrating, if Charlie likes the sound the massager makes. I say this, because my partner has an electric shaver, and when ever she turns it on, Charlie will come running to see what’s going on. I honestly have never had a cat that has loved the sound of vibrating noises, or the actual vibration feeling.

I thought I’d share a picture of her. She’s a good substitute for me, because my own kitty Toby is still back home in the states. Charlie’s a cutie, and was an absolute bundle of cuteness when she was growing up. I wasn’t around when she was growing up, but I’ve seen pictures and videos and all I can say is “how damn cute!” Charlie’s a beautiful cat, and I guess I’m somewhat biased. But most people who’ve seen her (and even those who are not fond of cats) think she’s beautiful J

-current mood-JUST BLAH for the moment.

“Is Mr. or Mrs. (last name) there?”

One thing, among other annoyances, that I’ve noticed telemarketers do, is they always ask if there is a Mr. or a Mrs. in the house. I know they probably have a huge list of phone numbers, and just go down the line. When people see these numbers and last names, they can’t figure out who is married or not. But it annoys me that people are going to automatically assume that there is a Mr. in the house. How many single women are out there, whether they are gay or not? I’m sure there are quite a number of them. So why must people “assume” that there is a Mr. in the house? Even in telemarketing, it seems like society puts this “pressure” that there has to be a male influence.

Does this happen for men? Are there male individuals out there, who get harrassed by telemarketers if there is a Mrs. in the house? Does it even matter to men, whether or not someone asks if there is a Mrs. in the house? Do gay men get some what peeved when they get a telephone call asking if a Mr. or Mrs. is in the house? Or am I just picking at straws here with this topic? Many people may not even care, or even realize what impact it has. But I guess for me, someone who doesn’t like to conform to the patriarchial institutions, I just always seem to find ways in which society undermines women. This is a clear example. The fact that people ask, if there is even a Mr. in the household, that just makes me assume that they think there has to be one. But I guess the callers are covering their bases by asking this, to cover ALL prospective people in the house???

My partner has lived alone for quite some time. And since I’ve been in the picture, her phone number is still just her first initial and her last name. But when ever we get a call, a lot of times the person will ask if there is a Mr. or a Mrs. in the house. When I lived alone, I still got the “is Mr. or Mrs. in the house?” Usually when I hear that first line, I’d hang up. I knew that if anyone personally knew me, and was ringing, they wouldn’t be asking me this question. My partner and I were talking about it one night, about just how annoying it is when they DO ask if a Mr. is in the house. So I told her that the next time someone rings and asks if Mr. (last name) is in the house, I’m going to say “Yes, this is Mr. (last name).” We’ll see what kind of reaction we’ll get from that. My partner said that she’ll say “no, Mr. or Mrs. (last name) doesn’t live here, but I can get you their phone number..since they’re my parents.” I sometimes feel like saying to the person “what makes you assume that there is a Mr. living here? And have a go at them..pretty much take away their time that they could be selling me something stupid.

I think also what gets to me, is when they say is “the man of the house” available. Ohh, I haven’t heard that in awhile, but that really upsets me. It reminds me of a time, when I was living in the states, and I was at my work. Now, the place I worked at, was filled with feminists and many women with “radical” views. There was a time when a couple of the women at my work had to go out and spend money for some of the clients. There was so much money left in the budget, so they went out and bought a bunch of stuff. But they had to use my program director’s credit card. Well, because they had spent a lot of money (which would have signaled some “strange” activity) the credit card company was alerted. And when they rang my program director, they wanted to talk to Mr. (last name). My program director was fuming. Fuming because the credit card was in both of their names (husband and wife) but yet the company would only talk to the husband. My program director said a few choice words during that conversation. Things ended up getting worked out, but still, that goes again, to show just another way that society tries to undermine women.

-current mood-HAPPY, the sun is beaming outside.