Growing up in a small town...

Does it make one more likely to stay in that small town, or does one decide to venture off??

You watch movies, or tv specials about people who grow up on small towns, and will do anything to get out of the life they've known. Nothing wrong with growing up in a small town, I did myself. But I can remember when I was about 15-16, I knew that I NEEDED to leave. I knew that I wasn't going to remain where I lived, because I just couldn't handle it. Maybe it was because I was coming to terms with my sexuality, maybe it was because I never really felt like I fit in. But I knew I wanted to make something of myself, no matter what it took.

Since being reconnected to myspace, it's really opened my eyes to people I knew back in school. And I might like to add, it's been a wonderful experience thus far. A friend of mine, was giving me the updates on people, since I haven't seen or heard from anyone for a number of years. She said that most people who "didn't get away" ended up staying and having babies. That got me to thinking....does growing up in a small town, make someone more likely to stay in that town, and get married and have a family pretty quickly after high school? Or in some cases, while still in high school? Not that having babies and getting married is bad or wrong ::snickers::

Maybe I'm thinking differently because a) I can't biologically have kids, unless I wanted to spend heaps of $$ for a sperm donor, and 2) I can't get married. But if I were straight, would I have still stayed in Oregon? Would I be married by now with any kids? If I can even think in that frame of mind, I'd have to say no to both. Growing up, I never had my dream wedding planned out, and I never dreamt of Prince Charming to swoop me off my feet and ride away into the sunset. Nor did I ever think about wanting to have kids. IF I did, I knew I wanted to adopt.

I think with the way my parents raised me, they knew that I didn't want to stay in my hometown. They knew that there was a whole world out there for me, and they knew that I wanted to explore it as much as I could. Little did they know, that I'd literally explore another part of the world, and end up staying. I find it kind of ironic, with me knowing that I wanted to get as far from my growing up ground as I could..and look where I ended up.

But some of the people I've been reading about, have either stayed close to home, or have moved. But something always brings them back home, for one reason or another. That's different for me, in the sense that even though I want to go home, it'd only be for a holiday. I have no desire what so ever, to come back to Oregon to live. If I were to come back home, I'd want to either live in San Francisco, or Seattle.

But I often ask myself why wouldn't I want to come back home? Am I afraid of what others will think of me? And not only in terms of who I am as a person, but what I have done with myself for the last 10 years? But why should I worry? High school is high school, a part of our lives. But what's happened, has happened, and we can only joke and laugh about how we used to be. But people change, and I've already mentioned this. I may not have changed much physically, but emotionally, mentally, and spiritually, I'm a completely different person. Not that, that is anything to be ashamed of. I'm sure there are a lot of people who have changed just as much as me, if not more.

But at the end of the day..I know I'm happy with where I am. But I still boggle myself sometimes, wondering "what would have happened..." But I know I can't think about that. I certainly don't have any regrets, but I often wonder if there would have been things I would have done differently.

High School

I recently caught up with a friend from high school. She was one of my good friends, a genuine gal, that loved the game of basketball. Since graduation, we've kept in contact on and off, but it's been hard for us to keep in touch. With the move I've made, her having a baby, it's just been difficult. But she recently contacted me on myspace.com.

The topic of our 10 year high school reunion came up, and she asked me if I was thinking about attending. This has been a topic of conversation with my family and my partner. I say this, only because in high school I wasn't out. I got made fun of, for being a book worm, not having sex, and then being a lesbian, because of a friendship I had established with a woman.

I understand that people in high school are just that, people in high school. People change, and I know I certainly have. But back in high school, there were many nights where I felt really uncomfortable. Often I'd feel left out, and out of sync with everyone. I felt different and even though I had a lot of friends, I still never felt completely happy.

When the lesbian baiting started, it really got to me. Sure they were "teasing me" but it was during a period of my life, where I was really questioning my sexuality. And I didn't need outside sources making things more difficult.

I feel like, if I DID come back for my 10 year reunion, I'd have to explain myself. And frankly I don't want to. I know there will be people who won't understand, and I don't expect everyone to. But I can just imagine people snickering, and thinking of gawd knows what, behind my back. I don't want to be the laughing stock of my high school reunion. I can't guarantee I even would be, but since high school, I've realized I don't have time for small minded people. And that's exactly what happened in high school.

I know I should give people the benefit of the doubt. Who knows, people could really care less. But the school I graduated from, it was small, from a small town. I just can't really imagine people embracing me.

Aside from my sexuality, will the reunion be this competition of who's done better? Who grew up to be the most successful? Who changed the most? Have the so called "nerds" (yes I was one) grown up to be these hot items? (NO that wouldn't be me..lol)

As enjoyable and fun as it may be to catch up with people I haven't seen for 10 years, I just don't know if I have the patience to go back. In truth, I sort of have an excuse. The reunion will be in the summer, and since I'm going back home this Christmas, I can't afford to go back home 6-7 months later.

I told my friend that I wanted to see pictures and to hear how it went. But I just don't know if I'm ready to "face the music" as I said to her. But I could totally be jumping to conclusions. She was more than okay with me coming out to her, and a few other guy friends I had in high school, seemed "okay" with it too, when I told them while in college. But these people I've told, were not the people who used to tease me in high school. So I felt more comfortable confiding in them, than I would others.

People may surprise me yet. But for the time being, I don't think I'll go back to my 10 year reunion. That doesn't mean I won't go back at Christmas and maybe catch up with a few people.