Am I a man hater?

Yesterday I got a message from a gentleman who had a few questions to ask me. He first stated that he knew I didn’t want to be bothered by men. Then he asked me 1) What about men and their penises make me want to throw up, and 2) if I had any male friends. I didn’t respond to his message, because I just wasn’t in the mood. But then later, I got thinking about his questions. I got to thinking, that a lot of my online life is pretty clear about not wanting to converse with men. And I realized, “I must come off as a real man hater.” And I thought I’d take the time to post as to the reasons for why I don’t converse with men, and to answer the nice questions, this nice man asked me ::smiles::

First question..what is it about men and their penises that makes me want to throw up?? Hmm, I would just like to first off say, that men don’t make me want to throw up, but the combination of a male and a penis do ::smirks and laughs:: A quote by Lea DeLaria (ever seen Will and Grace where Jack goes to nursing school, and his new teacher is a real meanie?? That’s the author of this quote I believe..but I could be wrong.) “It’s not that I don’t like penises, I just don’t like them on men.” And that quote holds very true. People try to tell me that isn’t it more than just the genitalia that makes a person. In truth, it is the whole person I’m attracted to. And there has never come a time where I’ve been completely attracted to a guy, at least not in the same realm as I have with women.

I have never had sex with a man, nor have I ever wanted to. Well, I take that back…in those awkward months where I thought I needed to fit in, and in order for me to do that, I had to giggle like a 12 year old when ever a guy came into view, the thought crossed my mind. Kissing guys during those “middle school” games did nothing for me. In high school when people were joking about “giving head” to a guy, or about a guy leaving a “pearl necklace” on a girl’s body….the thought of either happening to me made me want to vomit. I’ve seen penises in my lifetime (I was a direct care staff member for a house full of guys) and they’ve just been yucky to me. I’ve thankfully never seen an erect one. ::smirks:: But even in looking at pictures or watching movies, the look of the penis just turned me off. I was too busy checking out the ladies I think.

Just as str8 people don’t find the anatomy of the opposite sex appealing, I don’t find the penis appealing. I think dildos that are supposed to look real are pretty gross, and I’m not a fan of them. So every way you look at it, I’m just not attracted to the penis. I’m sure guys will swear to me that it’d give me the biggest orgasm I could imagine. Maybe so, but part of my orgasming process, is being emotionally invested with the person I’m currently with. And I know I just couldn’t find myself being able to do that with a guy. To pretty much sum up the first question..I’m just not attracted to the penis, nor am I attracted to men. Sure, I’ll say “he’s good looking” or “he has a nice body” but that’s as far as it goes. Just as women look at other women and say “she’s beautiful” that doesn’t automatically mean “I’m sexually attracted to women.” I love women, and everything that makes a woman a woman…and having a biological penis just doesn’t quite fit into the category for me.

Do I have male friends?? To be honest, no I don’t. Doesn’t mean I don’t get along with them. In high school I had a few guy friends, but soon after realized they weren’t my friends. LONG story, but friends don’t make fun of other friends on a constant basis. But that was high school I guess, at least that’s the lame-o-excuse I give to them. In university I didn’t have many guy friends. I didn’t come out till my second year of university so it wasn’t as though I didn’t have the chance to be-friend any guys. I just found it hard to find a comfortable level with guys. Maybe it was because I was coming to terms with my sexuality and I didn’t have time for them. Once I came out, everything was blissful. I befriended (sort of) a guy who was gay and he taught me a lot. He was a bit of a weird one, but that’s beside the point now isn’t it??

My job during my senior year of university, I worked at Safeway, and my PIC (Person In Charge) was a guy. And we got along really well. We sort of joked about if he was younger, not married, and I wasn’t gay, or a little older..we may have found each other attractive. No, it wasn’t sexual harassment, so don’t go there. We got along great, and I think part of it had to do with the fact that his sister was gay. He always asked me questions about being gay, and coming out, family reactions and such. We were great pals at work, and it was nice to have a friendship like that. But he was older, and we had some common links.

My last job in the states, there were a few guys that I worked with, and they were great friends. My best friend, or so called best friend, her partner was a guy, and we got along great. Maybe why we got along great was because he was dating my best friend, or maybe because he was very metro-sexual. He was very feminine, and when I first met him, I thought he was gay. He always teased that his girlfriend was his fag hag, because he always got hit on by other guys. If you saw him walking down the street, your gaydar would make you give a second glance. But he swears he’s not gay. But I stayed over at his house (with my best friend) and we hung out a lot outside of work. He has probably been the one true guy friend I’ve had.

My partner and I are friends with a male gay couple. They went through the same immigration process as us, and the one Aussie partner works with my partner. When my partner found out he was gay, she was shocked, and he was shocked to find out she was gay. He’s not out to people at work, but my partner is to some people. But my partner enjoys it now, because she has someone to talk to..especially about relationships, before she couldn’t really talk about it. I really like this gay couple. Maybe it’s because they’re gay, ::shrugs shoulders:: but I know I’d love to have more gay male friends. I have all the time in the world for gay men. I find them funny, innovative, and just good people to hang sh*t on. It may seem unfair to str8 men, that I’m friendly toward gay men but not as friendly toward str8 men. But with gay men, we have a lot more in common, and there’s just a level of comfortablility. Doesn’t mean I get along with all gay men, but I have more time for gay men than str8 men.

So yes, I have had male friends…but not very many of them. Online, I honestly don’t have time for guys. The main reasons why I don’t have time for them (str8 men mostly) is because they make assumptions once they hear I’m gay. Assumptions (though I know not every str8 man thinks with their dicks) such as 1) I just haven’t found the right guy to have sex with, 2) I’ve been sexually violated by a guy, so that’s why I’m gay….regardless of whether I have or not, that’s none of your f*cking business, 3) they want to somehow involve themselves or their female partner in some sexual fantasy, or 4) they just plain give me crap about being gay. Sometimes I’ve tried having a decent conversation with a guy. Things will start out nice “hi, how are you…good, and yourself? Yeh, very well thanks…so you got a boyfriend? No, I’m actually gay…” And that’s when all the moronic questions come surfacing. As I’ve said, I don’t have the time and/or patience to try and explain myself to people. I don’t go harassing people as to why they’re str8, or delve into their sex lives now do I?? So what gives guys the right to do that to me?

If guys didn’t think with their dicks, I’d be more than happy to talk to them. And I know not all men are like this. I’ve met some nice guys online. YES, there have been times where I’ve given a guy a chance to converse. But I do have to say, it doesn’t happen very often. I think maybe because I’m not online a lot, that I just don’t want to waste my time talking to small minded guys, and so that’s why I come off across as I do. Again, I know I’m making a huge generalization, so maybe I’m being small minded huh??

But in real life, I guess you could say….I’m not mean to guys and I don’t avoid them like the plague. I’ll smile at one if they make eye contact with me. I definitely don’t mean it in a flirty way, but more of as a nice gesture. There’s nothing more shocking, than to look at someone and they’ve got this look of death on their face. I work with guys and am very nice and cordial to them. And I’m sure that once I get more into a real job, I’ll be working with guys and going to events with them. I am not mean to them, and I don’t avoid them. Like I said, I’m nice. Am I making sense here?? I hope I am, because it’s totally not my intention to come off as a man hater.

I think that’s a big mis-conception with lesbians. Many people believe that lesbians are man haters because they’re with women. Many people also believe feminists to be man haters, as well as lesbians. There are not mutually exclusive though, let me tell you. I know a lot of lesbians who have a lot of great male friends. I also know a lot of feminists who are very much straight, just believe in the equality of women.

So to summarize, NO, I’m not a man hater. I have no problems with men commenting on my blogs, or leaving me messages. But whether I’ll answer it, that is another thing. I don’t add men to my yahoo 360, so there’s no point in trying. I make it pretty clear that I don’t, so it’s the guys’ own stupidity to try and think that I’d approve their invite. Not going to happen, not in this lifetime. But that’s my own decision. Just as I don’t choose to add women who are openly bisexual. I know, that’s bad of me…I’m not embracing diversity like I should be. But that’s my own decision. My embracing diversity is defined by my conditions. But I’m not rude about it my denying. I usually just ignore the invite ::smirks:: But I’m not a man hater, and I sometimes resent the implication, but people are entitled to make their own assumptions about me. I know I have made quite a few in this post alone.

To finish this post off, I’d like to end it with a quote “I don’t hate men, I just don’t date them….” enough said.

-current mood- HUNGRY, haven't eaten all day.

Kissing etiquette and showing affection

A dear friend and I were talking last night about incesteuous lesbianism. Now, before you get all flared up, this is something I DO NOT agree with, nor does this dear friend of mine, nor is this the topic of my post. But let’s just say, the topic came up in conversation. It pretty much ended as quickly as it had started. Without giving too much away, because I respect privacy…the topic was mentioned on a website. I don’t agree with incest, and people who delve into that lifestyle may say it’s okay, just like some may say sleeping with someone of the same sex is okay. But personally, I think it’s sick, and it makes me throw up in my mouth, just thinking about it.

Soooo, after this brief discussion, I went to go get ready for bed. As I was in the shower, I got to thinking about kissing etiquette. Depending on how one is brought up, and even where one is brought up, kissing etiquette seems to be different. Growing up for me, my mum and I were very affectionate. I wasn’t so much as affectionate toward my dad or my siblings. But I guess the close bond my mum and I had, I always wanted to get the most hugs out of her. Growing up, we would kiss each other on the lips. Before you get grossed out, they were just little pecks. I thought the kisses were normal, and that nothing was “iffy” about them. I think I kissed my mum on the lips up until recently. It’s been over a year since I’ve seen her, but once in awhile I’d kiss her on the lips. But I kind of felt funny about it, maybe because of my age..so I would usually kiss her on the cheek when ever we’d say our goodbyes.

I rarely would ever kiss my sister and never kiss my brother. My dad, once in awhile, I’d kiss him on the cheek. In truth, I think the only time I’d ever kiss my dad, or hug him, as well as my sister and brother, was if I was leavingg to come here to Australia. The times they’d take me to the airport, they’d hug me and I’d kiss them quickly on the cheek. But I was never really an affectionate person toward the rest of my family, aside from my mum. And they’re really not that affectionate toward each other either. My mum and dad hold hands and kiss, but trust me, it’s not gross. ::laughing lightly:: My sister and her husband are pretty affectionate, but not full on. As for my brother, I have no idea…I’ve never seen him with a girlfriend. And NO, he’s not gay, trust me, he very well likes the ladies.

So I think about how I grew up, how affectionate I was toward my family, and relatives…and an all around anaylysis, is that we’re a pretty affectionate family. I think that’s why I crave affection in my own relationship. I look at my partner’s family and their kissing etiquette, and it’s far different than what I’m used to. I remember when I first came to Australia and I met T’s family. (I know a lot of ppl whose name begins with T) It was odd for me, because we did the 3 kisses on the cheek. I thought it was strange, and to this day, I get confused. Sometimes people (extended family) will give me only one kiss, or they’ll give me 3. But I’m used to just one kiss, or kissing each cheek. I can remember also, being really uncomfortable with it.

There is one relative of T’s, her aunt that I would avoid like the plague when ever I’d see her. I’d avoid her because she’d always want me to give her 3 kisses, but I didn’t want to. She kind of knows now that I don’t like it, because I told her one time, when I wouldn’t go toward her when she was ready to leave. If it wasn’t her that I was avoiding, I’d find someone else to avoid so I could get away with no kissing. Sometimes when I kiss goodbye T’s dad, we sometimes kiss on the lips..but I try to avoid that at all possibilties. We usually just kiss once on the cheek, but I like to give him a hug, and he’s not very huggable. T’s dad has always been really stern and really firm. I think since being in the relationship with his new girlfriend (whom I don’t like at all) he’s way more affectionate. It’s actually odd to see him actually hug and kiss someone. He and T’s mum never did any of that while they were together. But they should have broken up 20 years ago. But that is beside the point here..lol.

The rest of T’s family, they’re not very affectionate. Ti’s mum, since being with her new partner T (see, another person I know whose name begins with the letter T) she’s much more affectionate. We kind of tease them, because frankly sometimes it’s just not something you want to think about (i.e. your parents having sex). But even T’s sisters…they’re not that affectionate. T, who is married, is affectionate toward me, she’s not afraid to hug me..and kissy too when she’s had a bit to drink (but not in an incestuous way..get your mind out of the gutter). But she’s not affectionate toward her husband at all. They’ve been together 26 years I think this March, and I’ve been here for over 2 years, if you include the current time, plus all the vacations..and I’ve never once, seen them kiss, or hold hands. S, the other sister, isn’t married anymore…but never saw them affectionate either. S isn’t affectionate, she’s loud, and just doesn’t show a lot of emotion, other than being really loud. Just recently, I started seeing her being more affectionate toward her kids.

But nothing like what our family grew up with. Our family was always so very loving and affectionate, maybe that’s why I’m as loving and affectionate as I am. And I’m not being smart…lol, it’s how I am in real life. If I had it my way, I’d always hold hands with my partner, and we’d be hugging all the time. We rarely hug at home, and if we’re in public, my partner feels really uncomfortable if I put my arm around her. I don’t do it very often, but I put my arm around her, in a friendly gesture. I’m not all over her..but I guess T’s never been shown that sort of affection. Certainly not in her past relationships. We’ve talked about how uncomfortable she feels, and it’s not just this relationship. She says it’s every relationship she’s been in, she just doesn’t feel comfortable. But because my family members were always hugging and tickling each other, I just got accustomed to showing that sort of affection to others. But I’m finding it hard to do that here. I certainly wouldn’t do it with T’s family. They seem to be much more reserved in their ability to show affection.

-current mood-EXCITED to be going to look for a car later today..let's hope I don't get a sleazy salesperson.

News about the job

Today at around 3:30 T rang me to find out when I’d be able to come in to do some testing. Nothing too extreme, at least I hope not. From what I can gather, it’s more of a personality assessment to find out where I’d fit in. It’s called the “genesis” test, and I did one when I was doing the hiring process at the current job I’m at. I’m sure it’ll be the same format, but questions pertaining to this work environment. I think if I “pass” this assessment test, then I’ll have the job. In truth, I think, and am hoping the worst part is over. I absolutely hate interviews, and always seem to find myself jumbling over words and thoughts. But it seems like the worst part of the process is over.

I had to tell V, that I wouldn’t be able to work tomorrow, or Monday, and I think she was kind of disappointed. V is my manager, she’s the one that tells me what to do while at work. She told me when I first started back in December, that she was glad to have someone who knew what they were doing. And it made me feel good knowing that my presence was appreciated. And now that I think about it, I think she relies on me. That can be a good thing and a bad thing. But she’s asked me a few times if I wanted to work extra days but I’ve been busy, so I couldn’t. I think we’re getting ready for stocktake on the 31st of this month, and she’s wanting me to get all of the dvds and cds in the back all ready. But if this job I’m working for pans out, I won’t be working during stocktake. V knows that I’m in the process of looking for another job, and I think she’s a little sad. She had another position ready for me, in a few weeks, doing customer service for home entertainment. But I kind of had to tell her that working at this place isn’t my life ambition. No offense to those who DO work there, but I can only handle retail in small doses.

But I feel so much better because I got a call back. I was beginning to worry, as usual. I was thinking to myself “if they haven’t rang me back does that mean they’re still thinking, or they’re trying to find a nice way to say ‘sorry?’” I know I should learn to be more patient, but I just couldn’t stop my mind from thinking. But now this weekend, all I’ll have to really focus on, is getting myself a car. I have to give back my mum in law’s car this weekend, and well, that means I have to go out and buy one. We’re going out tomorrow and probably Saturday if we don’t find one tomorrow. And hopefully the paperwork will be done and will be able to pick it up Monday, after I do my assessment testing. Wish me luck!!!

-current mood-TIRED, but am still up.

Quiz taken from another blogger...

Because I'm absolutely knackered, I'm posting a quiz/questionnaire. Hope you don't get tired of them ::smirks:: Just be glad I'm not sending them to you in an email to FILL OUT.

1.) Name: Just call me gaylicious for the time being

2.) Age: 27

3.) Sexual Orientation: Lesbian

4.) If you are straight- have you ever thought of "jumping the fence"? I always knew I was gay. Never had a boyfriend, never been with guys..and thankfully for that ::big grin::

5.) What has stopped you from doing it? Nothing, and I know for a fact I’d never go str8. Men and their penises, just make me wanna vomit.

6.) Are you married, single or in a relationship? Relationship, for over 6 years now.

7.) If your married or in a relationship- would you ever cheat on your significant other if you knew you could get away with it? I’m a firm believer in monagomy and would never cheat, nor would I allow it to be done to me. And I’d never get involved with anyone who had previously cheated, or later asked me for an open relationship. I know open relationship can be positive, but there is no room for that in my life or my relationship.

8.) What do you like most about your lover? Her sense of humor

9.) What do you like least about your lover? When we’re arguing, she always thinks she’s right. But isn’t that the point of arguing..lol.

10.) If there was ONE thing you regret in your life what is it? I didn’t come out earlier. I came out when I was 19, but had I come out when I first suspected I was gay, I would have maybe been able to tell this one person how much she meant to me. I still told her how I felt, but tried not to come off as being IN love with her. Not a good thing, but I guess that’s the way the cards were meant to be laid.

11.) How do you feel about gay marriage? Don’t know if I’d personally get married..but I do believe in some sort of union that is equal to all people, regardless of sexual orientation. This would also include immigration status to be the same for gay couples.

12.) Do you think lesbians/ gays make good parents? I think sexual orientation has nothing to do with whether some one makes a good parent or not. And I don’t think it should be up to the government that says whether a person is able to have kids or not based on orientation or whether they’re single. I don’t like it when people say “well what about the kids..what rights do they have??” I think if a child is raised in an environment where there are gay parents, they may know otherwise, but at the same time, they’ll know that it’s all the same. And it should be up to the parent/s whether they have the ability to raise children, not the governments.

13.) Do you use drugs? Nope, and never will. I don’t believe in the idea of using drugs to make myself feel better, even for a brief moment. Not into smoking cigarettes, smoking pot, or anything like that. Thankfully my partner doesn’t do any of the above items either. I’d never allow myself to be with someone who did.

14.) If yes, which ones? None

15.) Do you drink? About once a year..for New years, that’s about it. I’m not big on alcohol. Nor am I big on being around people who get pissed just because.

16.) Do you smoke? Nope, I think it’s rather rank.

17.) How often are you and your lover intimate? Won’t give figures, but let’s just say, there is always room for improvement ::winking::

18.) Do you consider yourself boring or wild in the bedroom? Maybe boring to some, but I satisfy my partner in the ways she wants.

19.) Do you consider your lover boring or wild in the bedroom? Wouldn’t say boring, but could definitely use some spicing up.

20.) Whats your biggest fantasy? Sexual fantasy..probably would be, a complete stranger (woman of course) seducing me, going back to her place and having hot and wild sex. I’m not into BDSM, but I wouldn’t mind dipping into the lifestyle a little bit. So there’d have to be that element involved.

21.) Will you ever fulfill it? No, because I’m not into casual sex.

22.) If there was one thing you could change about your lover what would it be? To be more openminded in the bedroom. It’s hard for her b/c she has self esteem issues.

23.) Whats the 3 most important things in a relationship? Trust, communication, and honesty

24.) Whats the 3 most important things in a friendship? Respect, understanding and loyality.

25.) Would you ever get back with an ex? Nope..we’re broken up for a reason.

26.) Have you ever had a threesome? Nope..not into that sort of lifestyle. I’m very much a one woman kind of woman. Don’t see the need to bring anyone else in the bedroom. Besides, it only complicates things. And for those people who say it doesn’t, are only lying to themselves.

27.) If no- would you ever? Nope..the idea has come to mind, but I’d never do it. My body is temple and not to be used for false satisfaction, and allowing someone else to be intimate with me, would be doing just that. And I’m not okay with that.

28.) If yes- with whom? No one in particular

29.) What are you doing right now besides taking this quiz? Doing just that….

30.) If you had to grade your life right now like a school grade- what would it be? A,B,C,D, or F?? C, just because I feel things are going just sort of average right now.

-current mood-TIRED, I think it's because of how stressed I am at the moment.

Frappr

A fellow blogger friend asked to add me to her map. So I’ve added myself to her map, and am hoping that readers will add themselves to my map. I think it’s a great idea to find out just where readers are from. I’m sure there are other innovative ways to find out where people are from, but I think this map is a great idea. So c’mon, don’t be a stranger, add yourself to the map. I think you have to register yourself, but don’t be afraid to, it’s for a good cause, ME..::snickers:: Here are two links, hope they work.

Add as a friend--> http://www.frappr.com/?a=newfriend&fid=294061
My friends and my map--> http://www.frappr.com/?a=myfrappr&id=294061

-current mood-WORRIED, still haven't heard back from the job.

How the interview went

You know when you finish an interview and you just have a bad feeling about it?? Well, that’s sort of how I felt after the interview today. The people I had interview me were both very nice and very friendly. But I think the combination of my nerves, and me just being unprepared (or maybe out of the loop from working) I felt like I could have been more articulate with my answers. Most of my questions were behavioral questions dealing with “give me an example of….and what happened” kind of thing. A few questions I had to think long and hard before answering, and other times I would answer a question, but it didn’t seem specific enough. I felt jumbled and felt like I could have explained myself far better than I did.

I was told that I would be receiving a call, either way (yes or no to the job). And if I “pass” this section, then I’d have to do some personality testing, as well as meeting with the other team members. During that time, I’d be able to watch what exactly the job entailed. I think the women interviewing me put a lot of emphasis on the fact that the work load was extremely high. They said “we’re not trying to discourage you or anything, but this job load, is extremely high.” By the end of the interview I said “if you don’t think I have the qualifications for this job, I’m more than happy to take a job that you may see more fit for me.” I wanted them to know that I was really interested in working and that I’d be willing to go the extra mile if I had to to get the learning and training.

But after the interview, I just had a disheartening feeling overcome me. I know it’s not healthy to be thinking negatively, and I’m trying not to. But I just seemed to get a sense that maybe they didn’t think I was qualified, or had what it took to be able to do the job. After getting back home, N rang me to ask how I thought the interview went. I told her that I wasn’t that confident. She told me not to stress too much, and that hopefully everything would work out. She told me she’d talk to one of the women that interviewed me, and suss her out a bit to see how she thought I did. I don’t know if it’s worse that they haven’t rang me yet to say I got the job or not..or if it’s better that they haven’t rang me. They don’t have to check my references or anything of that nature. The two women just have to talk together and figure out whether they think I’m able to handle the job. So keep your fingers crossed that I DO get a phone call, and that it’s that I have successfully received the job.

-current mood-NOT feeling confident at all.

Nice short sleeve tops

It’s the middle of summer, there are a lot of nice summery type clothes out there. But I can’t seem to find any nice short sleeved tops. There are plenty of long sleeve tops (the kind you wear under jackets/suits) and plenty of tank tops and string bikini tops. But to find a nice short sleeved top, with buttons and a collar, that seems impossible. I’ve seen black and white short sleeved tops, but the short sleeved one I HAVE found, are either too “busy” or just plain don’t exist.

I would think that it being summer, people wanting to wear more than just tank tops. What about the professional people who wear jackets to work, what do they wear underneath? Not all places are air-conditioned so they may need to take their jackets off. I doubt most professional places allow tank tops to be worn. If the nice short sleeved tops are not available right now, just when will they be available. I can just see it, just when I want to start looking for long sleeve or ¾ length shirts, they’ll have all short sleeved ones available. The logic of what is out there for sale, doesn’t fit with the seasons. Maybe short sleeved tops are an autumn or even a spring thing?

If you want into the mens department, there are heaps of short sleeved nice tops. But that’s not the sort of thing I’m looking for. WELL, if I had it my way, I’d wear them. But I think this job, I need to be more feminine in my looks. Don’t count on me wearing a skirt or anything. But I do think that wearing a men’s shirt isn’t going to work for me. Maybe once down the line, I can see just what others are wearing, to find out my niche in terms of appearance. But there are so many nice short sleeved tops for men, but darned if I can find any for women.

If I get this job, I’ll be wearing suits and jackets, with slacks. Not something I’m used to. I don’t mind dressing professionally, but my last job, we were able to wear anything but shorts. I enjoy wearing a tie on the odd occasion, but my partner hates it. But I have to admit, without sounding conceited ::smirks:: I look pretty sharp wearing a suit with a tie. It’s catchy, but as my partner says “a bit blokey…” If only there were more feminine shirt sleeved shirts out there, I’d have no problems. ::shaking head in dissapointment:: I guess I’ll have to keep on looking.

-current mood-I FEEL PRETTY YUCKY..I think the combination of the "visitor" coming, and tomorrow's interview, it's made me feel pretty rank.