The Reason

Trying to find the perfect song that says "I'm sorry" for all the pain and hurt I've caused people in my life thus far, it's a difficult task. After much thought, I came up with this song. Though I know I'm not perfect, nothing can excuse the way I've treated people in my past. I was always told that it would come back and haunt me. And I think it does, every winter. No one has said anything or done anything to have me re-evaluate my actions or past happenings, but I just wish I was able to get over some of the things I've done. Whether the fact that I can't, means I have a guilty conscience, well, I know I do. I definitely don't dispute that. But whether I can get past my own guilt, and move forward, that is a constant struggle for me.

I was talking to some colleagues of mine today, and got to talking about my stress level. Right now isn't a good time, winter is here, it's cold, it's dark early, and even though I don't get severely depressed, I do feel down. I'm always the hardest on myself the worst, during winter. It never fails, winter comes around, and I am always pondering on every horrible thing I've done, and often wonder why I did or said the things I did. But every year, I can't justify my actions. But I get over it, until the next winter.

I often wonder if I'll ever get full closure. I don't know if it's possible, as there are lot of regrets in my life. But I know that as soon as the sun starts to come out, the weather starts to warm up, I feel better about myself, and I come to the realization that things happen for a reason, and what ever those reasons are, I have to live with it. I can't take back the pain I've caused, but I have to keep telling myself that I should be happy now in my life. And I am happy, but there's definitely something missing. What that is, I don't know, and I don't know if I'll ever know.

The Reason is a song that gets me crying every single time I hear it. It's a song I play, or used to play when I was alone and needed a good cry. It's a song that explains how sorry I am...but that "you" are the reason for my change. "You" are the reason why I've had to look deep within myself and change. Whether it's for the better, that's a matter of opinion. Whether "You" ever hear my deepest apologies, and take them to heart, that is unknown. But if I can subconsciously say "I'm sorry" then I know that's all I can do.

It's not a matter of me wanting to make myself feel better, because I could never do that. But it's all about closure. Some people aren't able to move on completely unless there is closure, I happen to be one of those people. Doesn't mean I spend every waking moment pondering upon whether I'll get closure, but it does mean that I'll always have something to think about.

The Reason By Hoobastank

I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do

But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found out a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you

I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
That's why I need you to hear

I've found out a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is You
And the reason is You
And the reason is You
And the reason is You

I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found out a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you

I've found out a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you