Do you ever wonder...
What might have been?
I know it's not a good idea to wonder what if, or what could have happened. I personally don't find it emotionally healthy for myself, but at the same time, it's something that I seem to do every winter. I believe I suffer from SAD, but not to an extreme degree. And maybe the combination of that, and it just being horrible outside...I can't help but wonder a lot of things.
I don't have much, if any contact with any of my ex's. Part of that is by choice, part of that isn't. In one aspect, I sometimes think it's wise to just keep the past as that. But in retrospect, I can't help but wonder how someone is doing. Just because we may have realized we were not meant for each other, that doesn't mean I don't want to see them happy. I've tried to stay in touch with ex's, but it's a two way street. Other times, I've tried to make contact, and they wanted nothing to do with me. Fair enough, I deserve what I am dished out to me.
Am I selfish to want to have that friendship back? Am I selfish to want it back, after the way I treated someone? I'm not proud of my past, and I can't take it back. Some people are able to forgive and forget, others, are not so lucky. The more I think about it, the more I just want to find out how happy someone ELSE has made them. I obviously couldn't, for one reason or another, but someone else has been fortunate enough to make them happy.
Even though many may say my previous relationships didn't exist, for the simple fact that we had never met in person, a part of me still wishes we had met. There was an emotional connection, and that's something that will always stay with me. I've learned a lot from my past, and I don't expect anyone to understand why I did the things I did. But I often can't help but wonder if there will ever come a time, where I'll be able to have a decent conversation with people from my past. I can understand why someone wouldn't want to. After being hurt as much as they may have, talking may just bring up so much buried anger.
I'm not perfect, in fact I have never presumed to think I ever was...I've been hurt in my past, but it's only made me who I am today. I think of how I hurt people, and how I didn't think anything of it. But I think of the ramifications that ended up happening, because of the way I dd things or didn't do something. I think about my life, and wonder if I would have been happy had I stayed with someone, or even sussed up enough courage to let them know how I truly felt.
I find it strange, that every winter I feel this way. I feel sad, and remorseful, and I feel like a complete arse. I want to make amends, and I've tried. But one can only make ammends to someone who will reciprocate some sort of response. But I don't expect anyone to give me the benefit of the doubt. Over and over, in my head, I practice conversations of how I'd talk to someone, when trying to apologize. I practice over and over, of what I'd say to someone who I truly loved, and probably still love to a certain degree.
Even though I am with someone who makes me happy (most of the time ::winking::) I still can't help but think about my past, think about the people who have made a HUGE impact in my life, and just wonder "if only I had said this" or "if only I didn't do this..." would I be in a different place now? I know there isn't any point in delving up the past, but sometimes delving up the past by myself, makes me realize just how hurtful and how hurt I was. And it makes me stronger. But it also makes me really sad, to the point where I cry and can't stop.
I wish for a lot of things...but I know that it won't happen. But I guess I've dug my own grave, and now I have to lie in it. But that still doesn't make everything all warm and fuzzy. Even if I'll never be able to say the things I want, to the few people who still mean something to me...saying it to myself, makes me feel better. I can only hope that when I'm long gone, the people who've made the most impact in my life, will know just how much they meant to me. Even if they never hear it from me personally, I just hope they realize just how much they meant to me.
And with that, I will close.
I know it's not a good idea to wonder what if, or what could have happened. I personally don't find it emotionally healthy for myself, but at the same time, it's something that I seem to do every winter. I believe I suffer from SAD, but not to an extreme degree. And maybe the combination of that, and it just being horrible outside...I can't help but wonder a lot of things.
I don't have much, if any contact with any of my ex's. Part of that is by choice, part of that isn't. In one aspect, I sometimes think it's wise to just keep the past as that. But in retrospect, I can't help but wonder how someone is doing. Just because we may have realized we were not meant for each other, that doesn't mean I don't want to see them happy. I've tried to stay in touch with ex's, but it's a two way street. Other times, I've tried to make contact, and they wanted nothing to do with me. Fair enough, I deserve what I am dished out to me.
Am I selfish to want to have that friendship back? Am I selfish to want it back, after the way I treated someone? I'm not proud of my past, and I can't take it back. Some people are able to forgive and forget, others, are not so lucky. The more I think about it, the more I just want to find out how happy someone ELSE has made them. I obviously couldn't, for one reason or another, but someone else has been fortunate enough to make them happy.
Even though many may say my previous relationships didn't exist, for the simple fact that we had never met in person, a part of me still wishes we had met. There was an emotional connection, and that's something that will always stay with me. I've learned a lot from my past, and I don't expect anyone to understand why I did the things I did. But I often can't help but wonder if there will ever come a time, where I'll be able to have a decent conversation with people from my past. I can understand why someone wouldn't want to. After being hurt as much as they may have, talking may just bring up so much buried anger.
I'm not perfect, in fact I have never presumed to think I ever was...I've been hurt in my past, but it's only made me who I am today. I think of how I hurt people, and how I didn't think anything of it. But I think of the ramifications that ended up happening, because of the way I dd things or didn't do something. I think about my life, and wonder if I would have been happy had I stayed with someone, or even sussed up enough courage to let them know how I truly felt.
I find it strange, that every winter I feel this way. I feel sad, and remorseful, and I feel like a complete arse. I want to make amends, and I've tried. But one can only make ammends to someone who will reciprocate some sort of response. But I don't expect anyone to give me the benefit of the doubt. Over and over, in my head, I practice conversations of how I'd talk to someone, when trying to apologize. I practice over and over, of what I'd say to someone who I truly loved, and probably still love to a certain degree.
Even though I am with someone who makes me happy (most of the time ::winking::) I still can't help but think about my past, think about the people who have made a HUGE impact in my life, and just wonder "if only I had said this" or "if only I didn't do this..." would I be in a different place now? I know there isn't any point in delving up the past, but sometimes delving up the past by myself, makes me realize just how hurtful and how hurt I was. And it makes me stronger. But it also makes me really sad, to the point where I cry and can't stop.
I wish for a lot of things...but I know that it won't happen. But I guess I've dug my own grave, and now I have to lie in it. But that still doesn't make everything all warm and fuzzy. Even if I'll never be able to say the things I want, to the few people who still mean something to me...saying it to myself, makes me feel better. I can only hope that when I'm long gone, the people who've made the most impact in my life, will know just how much they meant to me. Even if they never hear it from me personally, I just hope they realize just how much they meant to me.
And with that, I will close.
posted by Gaylicious© at Monday, June 26, 2006
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