Putting things into perspective
Last night, I wrote my mum an email, pretty much telling her that I wasn’t coping very well. I was crying and completely a wreck. I went to check my email today and she sent me back a reply. And might I say, the reply kind of made me upset. Upset not because of what she said, but upset because I know what she said was true. I’m dwelling in my own self pity right now. I’m expecting too much to happen too soon. I’m thinking of the worst, when in fact I shouldn’t be. I should be glad that our application was given a chance to even be looked at. I should be glad that immigration is still looking at our case. I should realize that our case isn’t the only one our case officer has to manage, and it JUST might take a little time for him to figure everything out.
In my eyes, if I have to go back home, that is the worst feeling, worst scenario ever. Last night I felt like my life would be over if I had to do that. I told this to my mum, and she came back with the statement that there are people far worse off than I am. She asked me “how would you react if you found out your partner was diagnosed with terminal cancer, or she got hit by a car and died, or came home and told me she didn’t love me anymore..how all would I react to that?” She told me that there are people who are in the military to are being shipped to Iraq for 2 years. How do I think their family and loved ones are thinking, knowing that they may not come back alive? She told me that she often wonders where God was when my brother got hit by a car and ended up in the hospital for months. She wonders where God was when her and my dad went through some major financial woes. She said that things happen to people, and sometimes there isn’t an explanation for it, and we just have to accept the fact and hopefully move on. My mum told me I have a place to stay and my car is still at their house. I’ll get a job, and I’ll weigh out the 3 years. She makes it seem so easy doesn’t she? But as I’ve said before, physically I’d be fine…emotionally, that’s what is bothering me.
My mum pretty much told me I needed to get a grip. And now that I’m thinking about it, I know I need to. I know people are starting to get antsy with me, with how much I’m obsessing over this whole scenario. And in the end, everything could turn out wonderful for us. I’m too busy worrying, to think about that. Well, I DO think about how excited I will be once I’m granted the residency, but I’m wallowing in my own self pity too much.
For the most part, I seem okay, if someone is around me, I don’t seem to panic as much. But I’m getting all worked up, because we didn’t get an answer immediately. That is my own fault, for expecting too much, too soon, as I’ve said. I know it won’t be the end of the world if I DO have to go back home. I just will have to think of it as another obstacle, another setback. But I’m trying so hard to stay positive when I can. But everything seems like it’s a dream, it’s surreal and I just want to open my eyes and wake up. I know that’s not possible. I have to just tell myself that we won’t hear anything this week. I will have a good weekend. My partner’s cousin’s birthday get together is tomorrow night. I’ll go to that, try to stay positive. Saturday we’re cooking and getting ready for my birthday party on Sunday. Sunday I’ll be around family and friends, and then we’ll focus on the week coming up. I have to take one day at a time, live for now, because if I keep thinking of the future, it’s only going to bring me down.
-current mood-SHAMEFUL, because I know there are people far worst off than me right now.
In my eyes, if I have to go back home, that is the worst feeling, worst scenario ever. Last night I felt like my life would be over if I had to do that. I told this to my mum, and she came back with the statement that there are people far worse off than I am. She asked me “how would you react if you found out your partner was diagnosed with terminal cancer, or she got hit by a car and died, or came home and told me she didn’t love me anymore..how all would I react to that?” She told me that there are people who are in the military to are being shipped to Iraq for 2 years. How do I think their family and loved ones are thinking, knowing that they may not come back alive? She told me that she often wonders where God was when my brother got hit by a car and ended up in the hospital for months. She wonders where God was when her and my dad went through some major financial woes. She said that things happen to people, and sometimes there isn’t an explanation for it, and we just have to accept the fact and hopefully move on. My mum told me I have a place to stay and my car is still at their house. I’ll get a job, and I’ll weigh out the 3 years. She makes it seem so easy doesn’t she? But as I’ve said before, physically I’d be fine…emotionally, that’s what is bothering me.
My mum pretty much told me I needed to get a grip. And now that I’m thinking about it, I know I need to. I know people are starting to get antsy with me, with how much I’m obsessing over this whole scenario. And in the end, everything could turn out wonderful for us. I’m too busy worrying, to think about that. Well, I DO think about how excited I will be once I’m granted the residency, but I’m wallowing in my own self pity too much.
For the most part, I seem okay, if someone is around me, I don’t seem to panic as much. But I’m getting all worked up, because we didn’t get an answer immediately. That is my own fault, for expecting too much, too soon, as I’ve said. I know it won’t be the end of the world if I DO have to go back home. I just will have to think of it as another obstacle, another setback. But I’m trying so hard to stay positive when I can. But everything seems like it’s a dream, it’s surreal and I just want to open my eyes and wake up. I know that’s not possible. I have to just tell myself that we won’t hear anything this week. I will have a good weekend. My partner’s cousin’s birthday get together is tomorrow night. I’ll go to that, try to stay positive. Saturday we’re cooking and getting ready for my birthday party on Sunday. Sunday I’ll be around family and friends, and then we’ll focus on the week coming up. I have to take one day at a time, live for now, because if I keep thinking of the future, it’s only going to bring me down.
-current mood-SHAMEFUL, because I know there are people far worst off than me right now.
posted by Gaylicious© at Thursday, October 20, 2005
2 Comments:
I see you figured out how to change your "comments" to say "thoughts about this post" -- I guess I won't send you the email explaining it! : )
Thanks for stopping by my blog -- and also? You shouldn't feel ashamed for feeling down. It's true that lots of people have it worse than you or that there are other life scenarios that could be worse -- that's ALWAYS true. But it doesn't diminish the fact that you feel down now and it doesn't mean that your feelings aren't valid, because they are.
Hope you feel better soon!
A couple of things.....first, things never happen in "our" time. You have acknowledged that you are powerless over the situation, now you have to surrender to it. Besides, the more energy you spend tilting at windmills, the less energy you have to tackle the real problems.
Second, let's say that the end result is that you end up leaving and have to start over....do you really want these last days with your friends and family to be so unhappy? Do you think that you would look back on this time and think, "I knew this was going to happen and that is how I spent the last days I had with my partner?" Always easier said than done. And I don't think you need any more beating up. I hope that your party Sunday truly is a celebration for you all.
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