Still absolutely miserable
Things are not going so well here. I have a complete wreck since Wednesday, as we are all aware. Because my partner has to work, I have all of the nights to myself and that is when I think the most. Because no one is around me, and I'm all alone, I can't do anything but cry and worry. Yesterday, when I woke up, I was "ok" then my partner went to work. I was supposed to go over to my partner’s sister's place again to just be around other people...but she ended up ringing after 10:00 and asked if it was okay if she didn't come pick me up. I thought I would be okay, and said sure. She said "don't hesitate to ring." So, 11:30, I'm having a bath and then I go crawl into bed and that's when I started crying again, and I couldn't stop. I ended up ringing my sister in law, and she came over and stayed with me until 1:30. I was so drained after that, that I fell asleep quickly and was woken up by my partner when she got home at 3:00. Today has been okay because my partner is physically with me. But it seems as soon as I'm completely by myself, that's when I think of the worst. Monday, I'm going to my sister in law’s again and am going to stay the night there till my partner can come pick me up. My sister in law has been great for me, and I'm very grateful that she's been a shoulder to cry on.
People keep saying that everything is going to work out, and that they have good vibes about this. But no one knows for sure, and who knows when we WILL know. I keep running the scenarios thru my head, and I am asking myself all these "what if" questions. It’s so disheartening and frustrating that it has come to this. Why would I jeporadize my residency chances to stuff up with my visa? Every official person I’ve talked to, everything I’ve written, I’ve clearly explained what happened, and everyone can see that it was a genuine mistake. If I end up having to go back home, because of a mistake that could have been prevented, I am going to be completely devastated. When I was crying last night, I was thinking to myself “if I’m this bad now, how am I going to be when I DO leave?” I would stare at Charlie, my cat, and just cry my heart out. She’d look at me and have no understanding of why I was so distraught.
I know I have to STOP thinking of the worst, and think positive. But being the type of person I am, everything in my life has to be in control. If it isn’t, I stress out. And this is ONE major time in my life where I can’t control anything. Overwhelming is an understatement. But people keep telling me that I have to let fate do it's job. I can't control what happens, and I just have to stay positive. But it's so hard for me to, especially when I'm home alone. I have all the time in the world, and it's just so hard not knowing. I have no idea how long it's going to take for DIMIA to make their decision, so that waiting game is extremely hard on me. They have NO idea how this has affected us. They can't see me crying my eyes out every night. They only see what they've seen in the interview, and what is written on paper. How hard can this decision be for them? They clearly have seen all of our evidence to prove we ARE a genuine couple, what more do they need? It's not like we can get married, and I'll be able to get a marriage visa to stay. It's not that simple, and I don't know how much my heart can take if I have to be separated from my partner again. I'd eventually be able to handle it physically, but emotionally, I'd never be able to handle it. I keep asking myself "WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS???" And I don't have an answer. Our dreams of being together could be forever shattered, just because of a MISUNDERSTANDING, because of people NOT doing their job completely. But the government is never going to own up to that mistake. I already feel as thou my life and heart has shattered. You find this kind of love, but once in a lifetime, and to have it shattered because of a genuine error, how can I think of living my life w/out my partner? Going back to a life of solitude for how long? I can't fathom the idea, I really can't.
I honestly don't know how I'll get thru the next few days, next few weeks, or how ever long it takes. And if we have to go thru the appeals process, that is going to be even more stressful. But I don't want to think about that right now. We have some avenues to go down if we DO cross that bridge.
So please, please, tell everyone to say a prayer or a million prayers for us. Light a candle for us, cross your fingers...do all you can, it's what I'm doing. I've never prayed so much in my life as I have the past few weeks. And I hope to God that it'll pay off in the end.
-current mood-MISERABLE
People keep saying that everything is going to work out, and that they have good vibes about this. But no one knows for sure, and who knows when we WILL know. I keep running the scenarios thru my head, and I am asking myself all these "what if" questions. It’s so disheartening and frustrating that it has come to this. Why would I jeporadize my residency chances to stuff up with my visa? Every official person I’ve talked to, everything I’ve written, I’ve clearly explained what happened, and everyone can see that it was a genuine mistake. If I end up having to go back home, because of a mistake that could have been prevented, I am going to be completely devastated. When I was crying last night, I was thinking to myself “if I’m this bad now, how am I going to be when I DO leave?” I would stare at Charlie, my cat, and just cry my heart out. She’d look at me and have no understanding of why I was so distraught.
I know I have to STOP thinking of the worst, and think positive. But being the type of person I am, everything in my life has to be in control. If it isn’t, I stress out. And this is ONE major time in my life where I can’t control anything. Overwhelming is an understatement. But people keep telling me that I have to let fate do it's job. I can't control what happens, and I just have to stay positive. But it's so hard for me to, especially when I'm home alone. I have all the time in the world, and it's just so hard not knowing. I have no idea how long it's going to take for DIMIA to make their decision, so that waiting game is extremely hard on me. They have NO idea how this has affected us. They can't see me crying my eyes out every night. They only see what they've seen in the interview, and what is written on paper. How hard can this decision be for them? They clearly have seen all of our evidence to prove we ARE a genuine couple, what more do they need? It's not like we can get married, and I'll be able to get a marriage visa to stay. It's not that simple, and I don't know how much my heart can take if I have to be separated from my partner again. I'd eventually be able to handle it physically, but emotionally, I'd never be able to handle it. I keep asking myself "WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS???" And I don't have an answer. Our dreams of being together could be forever shattered, just because of a MISUNDERSTANDING, because of people NOT doing their job completely. But the government is never going to own up to that mistake. I already feel as thou my life and heart has shattered. You find this kind of love, but once in a lifetime, and to have it shattered because of a genuine error, how can I think of living my life w/out my partner? Going back to a life of solitude for how long? I can't fathom the idea, I really can't.
I honestly don't know how I'll get thru the next few days, next few weeks, or how ever long it takes. And if we have to go thru the appeals process, that is going to be even more stressful. But I don't want to think about that right now. We have some avenues to go down if we DO cross that bridge.
So please, please, tell everyone to say a prayer or a million prayers for us. Light a candle for us, cross your fingers...do all you can, it's what I'm doing. I've never prayed so much in my life as I have the past few weeks. And I hope to God that it'll pay off in the end.
-current mood-MISERABLE
posted by Gaylicious© at Saturday, October 15, 2005
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home