Fag Hags-Straight women who love gay men

Last night on SBS there was an hour long tv show about fag hags. I’ve heard this label before, and often think of my best friend as a fag hag. Her boyfriend, who is very feminine and gets mistaken a lot for being gay, calls his girlfriend, my best friend a fag hag. They laugh about it, and I would laugh about it as well.

The term fag hag, in the 70’s was used in a derogatory way. Through the years, I think it’s become a more socially accepted term, and women are taking the name back and using it in a postive way. The tv program interview 3 couples and talked about what it meant for the straight women to be a fag hag, and just how intense of a relationship the two individuals developed over the years. There was one couple, that actually ended up getting married. But there was a lot of discussion about what it means to be a fag hag, what happens when deeper feelings become apparent, and what happens if ever the line is crossed where sexual intimacy happens.

Being a fag hag seems more socially accepted now than in the 70’s. If you look at the hit tv show Will and Grace. Grace’s character could very well be labelled as a fag hag. But the platonic friendship/relationship goes way beyond the fact that a str8 woman’s best friend is a gay man. There is always talk about how great it would be to have a gay best friend because you’d be able to get tons of tips and advice about make up and clothes. But it’s more than that. It’s a true relationship to a lot of people, and a lot of emotions become involved in this sort of relationship.

While watching the show, I asked myself “what is it called, when a lesbian’s best friend is a straight man?” I know there are lesbians out there who’s best friend IS a gay man. But why isn’t there a label as to that “idea?” I got to thinking, and I seem to get the impression that it’s easier for gay men to have straight women as friends. But if you talk to a lot of gay women (myself included) we don’t really want to have straight men around as friends. Don’t get me wrong, I know gay women DO have straight men as friends. But there just seems to be a lot of anamosity or standoffish vibes that come from gay women. I will be the first to say I don’t have any straight male friends and I’m quite happy that I don’t. I don’t see a need for me to have straight male friends. When I was living in the states, I had a couple of straight male friends, but that’s only because they were partners of my friends.

I often wonder if gay men are this standoffish with straight women as gay women are with straight men. I think, and this of course is just an opinion, that gay women don’t really care to associate themselves around straight men because straight men always seem to be thinking with the thing in their pants. Guys seem to believe that a gay women just hasn’t found the right man, or guys immediately think of threesome when it comes to two women. It seems to be that lesbianism is much more eroticized than gayism. You look at the media, and you’ll always find the hype when two women are caught kissing on tv or elsewhere. But there isn’t any hoopla or anything of that nature when two men kiss or engage in sexual activity. Usually IF there is hoopla, it’s in a derogatory way. But do gay men not feel this sort of feeling with straight women? It always seems like gay men can make straight women as great friends, but gay women don’t want straight men as friends. Do straight women try to hit on gay men and try to persuade them that they haven’t found the right woman? Do straight women, when they think of gay men get all hot and bothered by two men having sex? This I do not know, as I am not a straight woman.

But it seems like there is a lot more that can come out of a friendship or relationship between a gay man and a straight women. Gay men have great taste, they are more sensitive, they seem to know things that straight men don’t know. Or is it all just part of the stereotypes portrayed by gay men? But what can a straight man contribute to a lesbian woman, aside from the snide sexual remarks every once in awhile? Maybe I’m being too hostile, because I don’t have any straight male friends. I have gay male friends, and am quite happy with that. But I don’t go out of my way to make friends with straight men. I know not all straight men are pigs, and I of course am not putting that label on them. But do relationships that fag hags have with their gay men, do they exist with lesbian women and straight men? Is there even a term for this sort of thing?

I think it’s great that gay men and straight women can have this sort of bond with each other. But do straight women ever feel a sense of loss or sense of emptyness because they know they’ll never be able to have the relationship that they want. A lot of straight women say “he’s the perfect man for me, and I’d marry him if he wasn’t gay.” Do these straight women feel like they are missing out on something? And does it make things harder for them to develop heterosexual relationships? Two out of the three couples, the straight women were not married. There was talk with one of the couples, of having children. Just like in Will and Grace. Bringing a child into the world takes a lot, and being a gay man, the idea of having children can be a real downer (not in a completely negative way either) because they know that they’ll have to involve a woman into the picture. Gay women have to involve men, but it can be done anonymously, gay men, that isn’t so easy. So can a baby be brought into the world with having three dads and one mom? I’m sure it’s been done, but it’s very plausable, but will there always be a sense of “indifference” between the gay man and his straight female best friend?

-current mood-CALM