Physical Appearance

I’ve been an internet user for about 9 years now. I remember in the beginning, I was so naïve to a lot of things, and trying to figure out what LOL or LMAO meant, or even wondering what it meant when someone said “wanna cyber???” I’ve come a long ways, let me tell you and I’ve learned a lot of things. I remember in the beginning, I was so wrapped up in finding ways I could get pictures so that I could show people. I felt like it was fun, and exciting to exchange pictures. Now, these pictures are not nudies, I’m not like that . But the more time I spent online, the more I began to realize the agenda of some people. People, when they found out I was gay, would automatically assume that I wanted to see naked pictures of them, or of other women. I’d tell them no thanks, and they’d get all pissy at me, like I was an involet (is that a word..lol). They couldn’t figure out why I wouldn’t want to see a naked picture of them, or why I didn’t want to talk dirty to them.

Now, well, probably the past year or so, I’ve kept my pictures hidden. Yes, I have a picture of my abs (and yes, they are mine…hey ppl have asked..lol) but that is probably as far as I’ve gone. There are some great women I’ve talked to and kept in contact with, for many months now, but they still don’t know what I look like. A part of me doesn’t like putting pictures of me online because I’ve had people take them w/o permission…and gawd knows where I’d be seeing them..lol. So I took my pictures off. I had a personal website, took that down, just because I realized I wanted some level of secrecy. A lot of people don’t know my first name, but of course if you read my yahoo 360 blog, you’ll see my first name there.

I don’t give out a lot of information about myself anymore. Plus, there were always those handful of people, that once I showed myself, I never heard from them again. I’m not online to impress anyone. I’m very happily committed to someone, and am not looking for any hanky panky. In truth, now I’m not looking for any sort of acceptance. If people want to be that shallow, and stop talking to me, once they see my picture, then so be it. It’s not my loss, at least I like to think it’s not. But I stopped all together, in showing pictures of myself. I don’t really see the need to. Sure it’s nice to know what someone looks like, but isn’t it also fun wondering what they look like??

In a few online groups I’m in, I’ve shown my picture to people. But I’ve only kept it on for a short period of time, then I took it off. I guess in another way, I’m self conscious of what I look like. I know I’m no raving beauty queen, and I don’t want to be. But all of the past times, where people have been really rude to me, it’s kind of stuck within me. I’ve stopped caring on the outside, but inside I still feel a little hurt at times. But I’ve gotten over it.

Just recently though, a number of people (this is not targeted at one single individual..mind you ) and they have asked me to show them what I look like. And I’ve said “I don’t show pictures of myself.” And all these times, these people have come back at me saying “I just was wondering what you look like…you don’t need to be so defensive.” And they took a great offense to me saying no, and started saying that I don’t trust them. But the reality of it is, it’s more than just trust. It wires down to the simple fact that I don’t want to show myself to anyone. I’m more than happy to tell people what I look like, and it’s even more FUN, to ask people to try and guess what I look like. For the record, most people are way off..lol. But I guess it’s a matter of how well you know me, and how often we talk.

I wish people would respect my wishes for NOT showing myself, and just take me as I am. I know it can be fun and exciting, finally seeing what someone looks like. But is it REALLY that important? I don’t mind people giving me pictures of themselves, (as long as it’s not showing any boobie or fanny) and if people want to do that..all the more power to them. But I just hope people don’t expect it in return. If I REALLY feel comfortable with someone, and feel a major connection with them, in time, I’ll show myself. But that’s usually after I’ve established that they’re genuine people. Of course, this is not saying, everyone I talk to isn’t a genuine person. It’s just a matter of my comfort level. If I really connect with someone, and feel totally comfortable with them, I’ll show them. But thinking..in the past year or so, (aside from sharing in a group) I’ve only shown my picture to 2 people, maybe 3??. And truthfully, neither of them talk to me anymore. One, we usually email eachother every few months..the other, I thought she was a genuine person..turns out she’s too busy for me. Her loss, not mine.

With all this said, just be patient, and be respectful in my wishes not to show myself. Maybe one day I JUST might…but in the mean time, just enjoy my company, or not . Some people are much more comfortable in their own skin to show themselves off. I unfortunately, am not one of those people.

-HUNGRY, making spring rolls tonight.