Where do I go from here??

Every few days or so, I’ll be busy doing something and suddenly my mind will fall back on my career. I have not been working since January, thou not because I don’t want to or I got fired. I can’t work because I’m on a tourist visa, and that only enables me to do things a tourist should do. I’m not even allowed to volunteer, I tried looking down that avenue. I could have taken a course, but if it was more than 3 weeks, I would have had to go in for an x-ray, something that costs money. So I pretty much decided that I was just going to lay low and be a “tourist.”

But all these months I haven’t been working, I’ve been busy contemplating what it is I want to do with my life. One of the positive things I think about with this move, is that it was a good point in my life where if I wanted to change careers I could. When I was living back in the states, I was doing social work. I volunteered while finishing my studies at a women’s sexual assault center. It gave me a glimpse of a field of work that I may have been interested in. I volunteered my time on the crisis lines, and even thou it was only one shift a week, it gave me insight to some powerful stuff.

After my 10 month hiatus in Australia between 2001 and 2002, I came back to start working. I got a job working for a drop in center for homeless, runaway and at risk youth as a street outreach worker. I worked there for 2 years, and thou those 2 years were great for me, leaving the job left me wondering. Wondering whether social work was something I was made to do, or that I was comfortable doing. During my 2 years at this organization, I consciously and subconsciously struggled with knowing whether I was cut out for this line of work. At the end of my job, I realized that maybe working with homeless youth wasn’t my thing. I realized that I wanted to work with people who wanted help, who maybe were more functioning? No, functioning isn’t the word, more motivated, sounds more accurate.

I met a lot of great youth, learned a lot of things about them, and about myself, and one of those things was, the realization that maybe social work wasn’t my line of work. And it scared me, knowing that this realization had surfaced. I was scared because for so much of my life, I knew I wanted to help people out. Psychology was just a basic degree, I wanted to go back to graduate school to get my masters in social work, that way I’d be able work in the field of psychology, but not have to actually get a doctorate. But after the turmoil that I faced while working at this organization for 2 years, all of that has now gone down the drain.

Since leaving the states, I have had a lot of time on my hands to decide what it is I want to do with my life. And the truth of the matter is, it scares me because I’m not so sure anymore. And in truth, I’m beginning to think maybe I want to do something completely different. I still would like to help people, but maybe not in the social services aspect. I know that I want to go back to school, but for what, it is unknown. I know that I’m going to have to go back into the work force, work a few years and then maybe go back to school part time, while still working. But the education system here in Australia is different than in the states. What I have earned at home, it doesn’t carry the same weight as it would here. But companies will see that I have an education, where it comes from, and I hope that prospective job offers will give me the chance to prove myself. But if I do further my education, what will it be in?

Because of how much has been involved in the immigration process for me to migrate here in Australia, immigration law has really perked my interest. But do I have what it takes to go back to law school, and eventually be able to practice law? Or is immigration law just something that really interests me? I’m fascinated with the immigration system, and how it all works and I think I could study this field if I wanted to. But I’m not getting any younger. People may say that I’m still young because I’m in my 20’s. But I’m sure I’ll be 30 at least, before I go back to school. And if I do go back to school, will I be able to handle it? The system is different here, some people have said the education is harder, while others say it’s easier. Schooling never came easy for me. Even thou I was 2nd in my class, it was never an easy task. College back in the states, that was a constant struggle for me, but I managed okay. Will I be able to manage it here in Australia. I don’t know, and it constantly bites at my inner conscience when I think about it.

I really am fearful that I’m not going to be successful in my life. My partner and I are simple people, we enjoy the simple pleasures. But for me as a person, what job I do, and how successful I am in this job, that is really important to me. Now that I’m here in Australia, I want to get established in my life and my career. But even before I’m able to, I’m afraid of already failing. Failing is not an option for me, and I know that what ever it is I do, my partner will be happy. But will I be happy?

It’s hard enough for Aussies by birth to find work in their own country, how hard is it going to be for me, a foreigner? It’s fortunate that I’m fluent in English, and I have some skills, but is it going to be enough? I know I put too much strain on my life and the expectations I put on myself, but I can’t see myself doing it any other way. The strain I put on myself, it’s what makes me strive to be even better. I know we only live once (well in my books we do) and I want to make the best I can out of this one life I’ve been given. Will I succeed or will I fail, I think about it constantly. I can’t see myself doing retail or telemarketing for the rest of my life. It’s not that I believe I’m better than that line of work, I just know I would not be happy at all doing that work for 20-30 years. But really, what will make me happy, will there be a job out there that will be something I’m truly meant for. I guess only time will tell.

-current mood-UNSURE about my future.