Stress, does it end?
Tomorrow I have a day off, I'm quite excited and relieved about it. But at the same time, I'm completely stressing. Last night, and early this morning, when I awoke from my sleep, the first thing I thought about was "what do I have to do at work?" You know when people send out surveys in emails and the question asks "what is the first thing that comes to mind when you wake up?" Well, that is what mine is..."what do I have to do at work?" I woke up this morning, or close to this afternoon, and I was severely tired. Tired because I was stressed.
It's almost 11pm right now, and I can't sleep. I've got work constantly on my mind, and I don't know how to shut it off. A colleague of mine, on Friday, told me to enjoy my 3 day weekend and not even think about work. I laughed and stated that I would attempt this, but I highly doubted that it would be possible.
I'm the sort of person that stressed out over EVERYTHING. For those who know me, they know this quite well. But when people tell me that I just need to "relax" and go with the flow of things, I can't help but NOT do it. My colleagues, they all tell me that I have to learn to leave work at work. But I feel quite pressured at work, and the stressors, they just intensify as each day goes by.
My job, I'm handling people's finances, I'm taking care of their bills and making sure they have enough. But my decision making may not be the best decision according to my client. But if I have "backup" for why I made a certain decision, then it's justified. But I know I can't make everyone happy, and I have had a few clients yell at me, and complain about me. But I don't feel confident in my decision making. But with this line of work, it's something that will come with time.
I think a part of me is secretly stressing, because the "buddy" that I've been paired up with, she's been absolutely fantastic with me. If I have a question or a concern, she's there to explain it to me, and help me work out the process. But I know in about 4-5 weeks time, she'll be moving to the other building and I won't have that kind of support here at the building I'm at. I've voiced my views about my support, and it's acknowledged, but I'm not sure it's actually going to be available. I understand that other people have their own work load to do. But at the same time, I've been kind of thrown into the deep end, and it's acknowledged this happened. But yet they instill a lot of confidence in me. And I feel like if don't say anything, they'll think I'm handling the situation. But clearly, I'm not.
As I've stated before, there are a lot of changes going on with the restructure of our division, and I'm just wondering if I'm cut out for this job. But it's not like I can just quit and go out and find another job. This job took a bloody long time to find, and that was even with a referral from a friend. She stated that she wouldn't have referred me, if she didn't think I was cut out for the job. And in some aspects I know I'm okay, but in other aspects, I know I have so much to learn. But whether one has been at the job for 5 months or 30 years, there is always something new going on.
I worry about how others think of me and my performance. I worry about the potential and high expectations I put on myself. And even though I know I can only do so much in one day...is it really enough? Is the way I feel, the stress I feel, the fact that every night, before I go to bed, I have knots in my stomach, is that healthy? I know it's not, but what can I do? I've tried talking to my mum about this, and she knows how I stress. And she tries to have me settle down a knotch, but I can't. I keep worrying about how this job affects me, and how it affects how others see me.
I don't think I'd stress out as much if we didn't have the 65 day transfer date, or the other time frames. I know that is what brings structure to a company, but frankly, it's pointless. I know that the company is trying to revamp the CSO standards, and I think it's a good idea. The idea of transferring a file to an ongoing consultant in 65 days, what's the point of that? And truthfully, what will be the point, when eventually, we will be doing our own transfers, to ourselves???
I will attempt to breathe, and to relax. But with the knots in my stomach at the moment, I don't see it as being a possibility
It's almost 11pm right now, and I can't sleep. I've got work constantly on my mind, and I don't know how to shut it off. A colleague of mine, on Friday, told me to enjoy my 3 day weekend and not even think about work. I laughed and stated that I would attempt this, but I highly doubted that it would be possible.
I'm the sort of person that stressed out over EVERYTHING. For those who know me, they know this quite well. But when people tell me that I just need to "relax" and go with the flow of things, I can't help but NOT do it. My colleagues, they all tell me that I have to learn to leave work at work. But I feel quite pressured at work, and the stressors, they just intensify as each day goes by.
My job, I'm handling people's finances, I'm taking care of their bills and making sure they have enough. But my decision making may not be the best decision according to my client. But if I have "backup" for why I made a certain decision, then it's justified. But I know I can't make everyone happy, and I have had a few clients yell at me, and complain about me. But I don't feel confident in my decision making. But with this line of work, it's something that will come with time.
I think a part of me is secretly stressing, because the "buddy" that I've been paired up with, she's been absolutely fantastic with me. If I have a question or a concern, she's there to explain it to me, and help me work out the process. But I know in about 4-5 weeks time, she'll be moving to the other building and I won't have that kind of support here at the building I'm at. I've voiced my views about my support, and it's acknowledged, but I'm not sure it's actually going to be available. I understand that other people have their own work load to do. But at the same time, I've been kind of thrown into the deep end, and it's acknowledged this happened. But yet they instill a lot of confidence in me. And I feel like if don't say anything, they'll think I'm handling the situation. But clearly, I'm not.
As I've stated before, there are a lot of changes going on with the restructure of our division, and I'm just wondering if I'm cut out for this job. But it's not like I can just quit and go out and find another job. This job took a bloody long time to find, and that was even with a referral from a friend. She stated that she wouldn't have referred me, if she didn't think I was cut out for the job. And in some aspects I know I'm okay, but in other aspects, I know I have so much to learn. But whether one has been at the job for 5 months or 30 years, there is always something new going on.
I worry about how others think of me and my performance. I worry about the potential and high expectations I put on myself. And even though I know I can only do so much in one day...is it really enough? Is the way I feel, the stress I feel, the fact that every night, before I go to bed, I have knots in my stomach, is that healthy? I know it's not, but what can I do? I've tried talking to my mum about this, and she knows how I stress. And she tries to have me settle down a knotch, but I can't. I keep worrying about how this job affects me, and how it affects how others see me.
I don't think I'd stress out as much if we didn't have the 65 day transfer date, or the other time frames. I know that is what brings structure to a company, but frankly, it's pointless. I know that the company is trying to revamp the CSO standards, and I think it's a good idea. The idea of transferring a file to an ongoing consultant in 65 days, what's the point of that? And truthfully, what will be the point, when eventually, we will be doing our own transfers, to ourselves???
I will attempt to breathe, and to relax. But with the knots in my stomach at the moment, I don't see it as being a possibility
posted by Gaylicious© at Sunday, July 16, 2006
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home