7 Year Slump
I am SOOOO F*CKING spewing right now!!! I had written this long post, and I accidently typed hit "ctrl + V" instead of "ctrl + C" and lost my whole post. ::shaking head:: And there is no way to "undue" when it comes to using internet explorer. I could bang my head on the computer monitor.
Baaack to my pst. My partner and I were talking this weekend, as we usually do. But I brought up the topic of a 7 year slump up with her. I asked her if she thought we'd go through one, or whether we're in one now. She thinks we're sort of in one now, and laughed, and said "hopefully at 7 years, we'll be okay." Not that we're NOT okay now. But we both know we've been in a slump for about 5-6 months.
My partner and I have been together for almost 6.5 years. But the first 4.5 years of our relationship, we were living thousands of miles away, and were only able to see each other every 6-7 months. Sometimes we'd get to see each other 4 months apart, other times, we'd not see each other for 8 months. There were some trying times, and many moments where we didn't know what the future held for us. But we stuck it out, and were able to get through it.
Even when we were finally able to be "together" we still have issues. We were able to be together, but had to overcome the immigration hurdle. So if it wasn't one thing, it was another thing. It seemed like when we overcame one obstacle, something else would come in our path and set us back again.
Just recently, probably about 3 weeks ago, our life finally turned "normal." We're both working full time, on the same shift...and we're able to actually see each other for more than 5 minutes. It's been great, but at the same time, things haven't changed. Not to get too personal, but we haven't been intimate for the past 3 months, almost 4 months. That's HORRIBLE...in my opinion at least. To my partner, she could care less. She "drive" is pretty much non existent. Maybe it's because she's got self esteem issues, maybe it's because she's turning 40. But man, SOMETHING has gotta change. I've tried and tried to talk to her, but nothing is ever done. And I try to be considerate to her feelings, but yet she does nothing about it. She's too embarrassed to talk to anyone about it.
Which brings me to a question...could you stay with someone who didn't want to be intimate? And who made no desire to change? I struggle every day with this thought..only for the simple fact, that I'm a human, I need to feel desired and cherished. I need to feel intimacy, whether it's a hug or a kiss, or something else. But I don't get any of that, not even when we're saying goodbye in the morning.
People may think that this slump should be ringing warning bells..that maybe my partner is cheating on me. But she's got NO sexual desires...NONE. I know that there aren't any desires for me, or anyone else. So that's not what worries me. What worries me, is that this is going to keep on going, and I'm going to shrivel up to a raisin ::laughing lightly:: No seriously, I'm 27, I'm yet to hit my prime...so why do I feel like I'm hitting menoapause??
For other long term relationship couples..have you found you and your partner in a slump? If so, how did you manage, did you two survive? I wouldn't break up with my partner over the lack of intimacy...but it really puts a dampen on the relationship. I just wish I had what it took, to get my partner out of this FUNK.
Baaack to my pst. My partner and I were talking this weekend, as we usually do. But I brought up the topic of a 7 year slump up with her. I asked her if she thought we'd go through one, or whether we're in one now. She thinks we're sort of in one now, and laughed, and said "hopefully at 7 years, we'll be okay." Not that we're NOT okay now. But we both know we've been in a slump for about 5-6 months.
My partner and I have been together for almost 6.5 years. But the first 4.5 years of our relationship, we were living thousands of miles away, and were only able to see each other every 6-7 months. Sometimes we'd get to see each other 4 months apart, other times, we'd not see each other for 8 months. There were some trying times, and many moments where we didn't know what the future held for us. But we stuck it out, and were able to get through it.
Even when we were finally able to be "together" we still have issues. We were able to be together, but had to overcome the immigration hurdle. So if it wasn't one thing, it was another thing. It seemed like when we overcame one obstacle, something else would come in our path and set us back again.
Just recently, probably about 3 weeks ago, our life finally turned "normal." We're both working full time, on the same shift...and we're able to actually see each other for more than 5 minutes. It's been great, but at the same time, things haven't changed. Not to get too personal, but we haven't been intimate for the past 3 months, almost 4 months. That's HORRIBLE...in my opinion at least. To my partner, she could care less. She "drive" is pretty much non existent. Maybe it's because she's got self esteem issues, maybe it's because she's turning 40. But man, SOMETHING has gotta change. I've tried and tried to talk to her, but nothing is ever done. And I try to be considerate to her feelings, but yet she does nothing about it. She's too embarrassed to talk to anyone about it.
Which brings me to a question...could you stay with someone who didn't want to be intimate? And who made no desire to change? I struggle every day with this thought..only for the simple fact, that I'm a human, I need to feel desired and cherished. I need to feel intimacy, whether it's a hug or a kiss, or something else. But I don't get any of that, not even when we're saying goodbye in the morning.
People may think that this slump should be ringing warning bells..that maybe my partner is cheating on me. But she's got NO sexual desires...NONE. I know that there aren't any desires for me, or anyone else. So that's not what worries me. What worries me, is that this is going to keep on going, and I'm going to shrivel up to a raisin ::laughing lightly:: No seriously, I'm 27, I'm yet to hit my prime...so why do I feel like I'm hitting menoapause??
For other long term relationship couples..have you found you and your partner in a slump? If so, how did you manage, did you two survive? I wouldn't break up with my partner over the lack of intimacy...but it really puts a dampen on the relationship. I just wish I had what it took, to get my partner out of this FUNK.
posted by Gaylicious© at Monday, May 22, 2006
3 Comments:
ctrl-z sometimes works to undo.
Unfortunately, slumps, well they suck. The nos can end up feeling very, very defeating.
No magic cures here except maybe work on the woo-ing and little things. That helps.
We have them here, not almost 4 months worth though. And not nothing at all. If nothing else, I get a built in goodbye kiss when she drops me off at work.
The infamous gay advice columnist, Dan Savage, has some choice words over how to deal with long-term relationships and incompatible drives. (Note: this sounds like the lead up to some spam for 'performance' drugs, but it's sooo not, so apologies in advance! I should know 'coz I hate all the new word tricks spammers come up with to circumvent email filters to land all the crap in my inbox.)
- from random anonymous reader not trying to sell stuff(not even on eBay)
Anyway, here's some past advice columns he wrote regarding slumps. He can be quite harsh(umm, there's a lot of swear words, so hope you're not easily offended), as he writes the columns with entertaining readers in mind, but at the heart of it all, he is quite fair and makes sense:
http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLove?oid=5075
http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLove?oid=625
http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLove?oid=26100
I'm in much the same situation on this end. My drive is monster compared to that of my partner. It's a balance thing...a lot of give and take...taking the cuddles and spooning, which she is happy to participate in, and wait for the lightening to strike her on the occasion. We do find couples therapy to be beneficial! It makes us strive to work harder at pleasing each other...for the greater good of the relationship.
Even if my words don't help the end result, I still hope that they at least make you see that many of us deal with it too.
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