Karma, is it behind all of this?
Talking with people the past few days, many have said “fate will step in,” “if it’s meant to be, it’ll be,” “what ever happens it was meant to happen” or anything alone those sort of lines. And I have been trying to wrap my head around these ideas. Why would God have us meet, have us embark on a relationship for as long as we have, to have us only end up sad and alone? God has thrown so many obstacles in our path of us being together, and we have been able to overcome all of them. We’ve both been stressed out, we’ve both cried and gotten upset. But in the end, we have made it thus far. So why would God pull this curve ball on us? When we’re so close to the final prize?
In digging deeper into my thoughts and why this is happening to us, the idea of karma came to mind. The famous saying “what goes around, comes around.” And it made me think about one time in my life where I probably was not thee most kosher in every aspect. I was put in a situation, and I didn’t handle it to the best that I should have. And I think, for that, is that why this is happening to us?
My partner and I met online back in January of 1999. We became good friends and my partner instantly found herself attracted to me in many ways. I was going thru a rough time, and she was a good support system for me. She herself, was going thru some rough patches as well. In the midst of our friendship, she told me her feelings for me. I couldn’t or didn’t reciprocate the feelings. Reasons, there were many. But we still remained friends. In April of 1999, I met a girl online and we ended up deciding to “be together.” I was from Oregon, she was from Florida. Even thou we had not met yet, we both felt a strong connection and believed we were together. The girlfriend at the time knew of my current partner and how much she liked me. I persuaded the girlfriend to not worry about it, and she wasn’t. She knew that my now partner was going to be visiting me in December of that year.
My current partner and I met in person, and there was an immediate chemistry. We ended up sleeping together in the same bed, but nothing happened. I was still with this other girl, and I wasn’t going to cheat on her. The next morning I felt so guilty about sleeping with my “friend” that I rang my girlfriend. She wasn’t happy, but we were still together. After that conversation, I realized that I needed to do a lot of hard thinking. I had feelings for this woman who was now physically in my life. I knew that I wanted to see if anything would eventuate. After a few days, I wrote an email to my girlfriend and told her we needed to talk. She rang me the next morning, at 4:00 in the morning…and I broke up with her. I can still remember the conversation and how hurt she was. She asked me if I didn’t love her anymore and I said “no, I don’t.” She was crying so hard, and was trying so hard to persuade me to change my mind. But my mind was made up, I wanted to be with this other person. I didn’t do the breaking up very well, and I hurt this girl in so many ways. But at the time, I was focused on me, and I was being selfish.
6 months passed, I was still with my partner, and she came to visit me in June of 2000. And out of the blue, I get a phone call from my ex girlfriend. We did a bit of talking, and I kind of felt restricted because my current partner was there in the same room. Of ALL times to ring, the ex girlfriend rang when my current partner was visiting me. My ex girlfriend told me she had been depressed for months and had almost gotten into a car accident. I was so in shock and worried about my partner listening to us..that I didn’t connect to the fact that she was crying out for my help. I told her I wanted to stay in touch with her, and she said yeh, that was fine.
It never happened thou. I sent her letters, they were sent back to me. I ended up sending them w/o a return address, that way I knew she either got them, or threw them away. I often thought about her, and wondered what she was doing and how she was coping. November 2003, I did a websearch and found her name on a webpage guestbook. I didn’t know for sure whether it was her, but I emailed the address, and it WAS her. I apologized to her for what happened. And I wanted her to forgive me for being so insensitive. I was truly sorry for the way things happened, and for the way I treated her. She wouldn’t have any of it. She told me that I could say what I wanted to, but then she never wanted to hear from me again. She said that had I NOT ever contacted her, she might have forgiven me some day. But now, she never would.
I was completely crestfallen and heartbroken. I now knew how she felt when I had broken up with her. To this day, I still wonder about her. I know she’s been successful with school, and she finally came out to her family. She was 5 years younger than me, and that was a bit of an issue. Had we met and been intimate, I would have been commiting an offense. But in the letter she wrote me, and had a friend write to me, she’s better off without me. And just hearing the hurtful words, it really affected me. Part of me will always care for my ex girlfriend and she will always be a part of my life..whether she knows it or not. But I can't keep dwelling on what happened, and she shouldn't either.
I know I am only to blame for the way I treated her. But is because of what happened almost 6 years ago, am I being paid for it now? Is there an underlying karma working against me, and my relationship with my partner? I have often thought when things go “wrong” in this relationship, that karma is working against me. But I have tried to mend things, I have tried to ask to be forgiven. I’ve tried to do what I thought was right. But is it enough? Is because of what I did something over 5 years ago, is that going to stop me from finding happiness. When I broke up with my ex girlfriend at the time, I wasn’t trying to be mean or anything of that nature.
It wasn’t my intention of falling for my current girlfriend. It just happened that way. And I’m truly sorry for how things ended between my ex girlfriend and I. But she’s moved on and so have I. And from what I’ve heard, she’s found someone who truly loves her. I’m happy for her, and happy that she’s been able to move on. But has she really moved on because of the fact that she’s never going to forgive me? I can’t make someone forgive me, but I can keep on hoping that maybe one day she will. But am I going to be paying for the rest of what happened?
People say that we all need to move on and the past is the past. And I’ve done just that. But am I being punished by karma, because of the way I was back then? I hope to God that I’m not being punished. I think just how scared and stressed out I am right now, is enough punishment. But I don’t want it to have to go to the affect of me losing the love of my life, for karma to be settled equally. I obviously wasn’t the love of my ex girlfriend’s life because she’s found someone far better than me. Don’t I deserve to be happy? Don’t I deserve to be able to live my life with someone who completes me? I believe I do..and every moment I get, I pray that I get to live out the life I’ve wanted since meeting my partner.
-current mood-SKEPTICAL
In digging deeper into my thoughts and why this is happening to us, the idea of karma came to mind. The famous saying “what goes around, comes around.” And it made me think about one time in my life where I probably was not thee most kosher in every aspect. I was put in a situation, and I didn’t handle it to the best that I should have. And I think, for that, is that why this is happening to us?
My partner and I met online back in January of 1999. We became good friends and my partner instantly found herself attracted to me in many ways. I was going thru a rough time, and she was a good support system for me. She herself, was going thru some rough patches as well. In the midst of our friendship, she told me her feelings for me. I couldn’t or didn’t reciprocate the feelings. Reasons, there were many. But we still remained friends. In April of 1999, I met a girl online and we ended up deciding to “be together.” I was from Oregon, she was from Florida. Even thou we had not met yet, we both felt a strong connection and believed we were together. The girlfriend at the time knew of my current partner and how much she liked me. I persuaded the girlfriend to not worry about it, and she wasn’t. She knew that my now partner was going to be visiting me in December of that year.
My current partner and I met in person, and there was an immediate chemistry. We ended up sleeping together in the same bed, but nothing happened. I was still with this other girl, and I wasn’t going to cheat on her. The next morning I felt so guilty about sleeping with my “friend” that I rang my girlfriend. She wasn’t happy, but we were still together. After that conversation, I realized that I needed to do a lot of hard thinking. I had feelings for this woman who was now physically in my life. I knew that I wanted to see if anything would eventuate. After a few days, I wrote an email to my girlfriend and told her we needed to talk. She rang me the next morning, at 4:00 in the morning…and I broke up with her. I can still remember the conversation and how hurt she was. She asked me if I didn’t love her anymore and I said “no, I don’t.” She was crying so hard, and was trying so hard to persuade me to change my mind. But my mind was made up, I wanted to be with this other person. I didn’t do the breaking up very well, and I hurt this girl in so many ways. But at the time, I was focused on me, and I was being selfish.
6 months passed, I was still with my partner, and she came to visit me in June of 2000. And out of the blue, I get a phone call from my ex girlfriend. We did a bit of talking, and I kind of felt restricted because my current partner was there in the same room. Of ALL times to ring, the ex girlfriend rang when my current partner was visiting me. My ex girlfriend told me she had been depressed for months and had almost gotten into a car accident. I was so in shock and worried about my partner listening to us..that I didn’t connect to the fact that she was crying out for my help. I told her I wanted to stay in touch with her, and she said yeh, that was fine.
It never happened thou. I sent her letters, they were sent back to me. I ended up sending them w/o a return address, that way I knew she either got them, or threw them away. I often thought about her, and wondered what she was doing and how she was coping. November 2003, I did a websearch and found her name on a webpage guestbook. I didn’t know for sure whether it was her, but I emailed the address, and it WAS her. I apologized to her for what happened. And I wanted her to forgive me for being so insensitive. I was truly sorry for the way things happened, and for the way I treated her. She wouldn’t have any of it. She told me that I could say what I wanted to, but then she never wanted to hear from me again. She said that had I NOT ever contacted her, she might have forgiven me some day. But now, she never would.
I was completely crestfallen and heartbroken. I now knew how she felt when I had broken up with her. To this day, I still wonder about her. I know she’s been successful with school, and she finally came out to her family. She was 5 years younger than me, and that was a bit of an issue. Had we met and been intimate, I would have been commiting an offense. But in the letter she wrote me, and had a friend write to me, she’s better off without me. And just hearing the hurtful words, it really affected me. Part of me will always care for my ex girlfriend and she will always be a part of my life..whether she knows it or not. But I can't keep dwelling on what happened, and she shouldn't either.
I know I am only to blame for the way I treated her. But is because of what happened almost 6 years ago, am I being paid for it now? Is there an underlying karma working against me, and my relationship with my partner? I have often thought when things go “wrong” in this relationship, that karma is working against me. But I have tried to mend things, I have tried to ask to be forgiven. I’ve tried to do what I thought was right. But is it enough? Is because of what I did something over 5 years ago, is that going to stop me from finding happiness. When I broke up with my ex girlfriend at the time, I wasn’t trying to be mean or anything of that nature.
It wasn’t my intention of falling for my current girlfriend. It just happened that way. And I’m truly sorry for how things ended between my ex girlfriend and I. But she’s moved on and so have I. And from what I’ve heard, she’s found someone who truly loves her. I’m happy for her, and happy that she’s been able to move on. But has she really moved on because of the fact that she’s never going to forgive me? I can’t make someone forgive me, but I can keep on hoping that maybe one day she will. But am I going to be paying for the rest of what happened?
People say that we all need to move on and the past is the past. And I’ve done just that. But am I being punished by karma, because of the way I was back then? I hope to God that I’m not being punished. I think just how scared and stressed out I am right now, is enough punishment. But I don’t want it to have to go to the affect of me losing the love of my life, for karma to be settled equally. I obviously wasn’t the love of my ex girlfriend’s life because she’s found someone far better than me. Don’t I deserve to be happy? Don’t I deserve to be able to live my life with someone who completes me? I believe I do..and every moment I get, I pray that I get to live out the life I’ve wanted since meeting my partner.
-current mood-SKEPTICAL
posted by Gaylicious© at Thursday, September 22, 2005
1 Comments:
I'm not an expert on the universe or anything, but I'm pretty sure that you wouldn't be sentenced to a life of misery from one bad breakup. Because your partner is "the one," then you were meant to be together. End of story. The unknown sucks, as does immigration law, but when you're a team, you tackle it together.
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