Will things get better??
Things at the moment are OK..not the greatest, could definitely get better. But I keep trying to tell myself that things will get better. But it's not me, it's my partner. The more I try to talk with her about it, the more she gets distant.
Without getting into too much detail, it just wires down to the fact that my partner's sex drive is just non-existent. I've tried and tried to get her to see someone about it. But she's too embarrassed to admit to someone that she's got no sex drive. I'm not a nymphomaniac, but I do have to have sex. And I don't want to push her into having it...but she just has NO desire. I ask her why and she says "I don't know."
I sent my mum an email today talking to her about it, and I just started crying. I was crying this morning in bed. This issue has been going on for over a year now. And I don't know how much more I can take. There's no point in talking to her about it, because she just laughs it off, like it's okay. She then gets all defensive and says "don't you realize how it affects me?" And I do realize it..but if it's such a problem, why hasn't she gone and asked for help? She uses the excuse that she's never been that sexual of a person. But even if you're not, you should at least try to make an effort. Sex isn't just about sex, it's about cuddling, and kissing and hugging. NONE of that exists in our household. I'm the only one who will kiss her, and come up to her to give her a hug. I'm the only one that says "I love you." I'm SICK SICK SICK of it. One can go w/o sex for so long.
I thought her going to day shift would really make things better for us. But it hasn't. I don't get home till 5:30 some nights, even 7:00 if I'm working till 5:30. I think she gets annoyed that I don't cook. Well, if she wants to have dinner late, I can work. But she hates eating late. I tell her to cook for herself and I'll cook when I get home.
It's like we're just plodding along each day. But there is no spark, no excitement, and truthfully, no love. She says she still loves me. But I often wonder if she does. If this is how she shows people she loves them, well I CAN see why others broke up with her. Our relationship is boring, she's boring. I'm young (well, younger than her) and I still have my whole life ahead of me. I need to have excitement and joy in my relationship. I feel like we're an old couple who are bed-ridden. In this case, house-ridden. I have more fun and excitement at work, than I do at home. And that's a scary thought, being work is so full on and very stressful. But I have more interactions with people at work, than I do at home.
I'm here in a foreign country, have no one to talk to, no peers to bounce things off of...and I feel trapped. I feel like I'm in a small confined space, and I'm screaming. But yet no one is listening. Especially not the person that needs to hear this the most. If I do scream, she only laughs and thinks nothing of it.
How can I make her see that it is an ISSUE, and that she needs to get it fixed YESTERDAY????
Without getting into too much detail, it just wires down to the fact that my partner's sex drive is just non-existent. I've tried and tried to get her to see someone about it. But she's too embarrassed to admit to someone that she's got no sex drive. I'm not a nymphomaniac, but I do have to have sex. And I don't want to push her into having it...but she just has NO desire. I ask her why and she says "I don't know."
I sent my mum an email today talking to her about it, and I just started crying. I was crying this morning in bed. This issue has been going on for over a year now. And I don't know how much more I can take. There's no point in talking to her about it, because she just laughs it off, like it's okay. She then gets all defensive and says "don't you realize how it affects me?" And I do realize it..but if it's such a problem, why hasn't she gone and asked for help? She uses the excuse that she's never been that sexual of a person. But even if you're not, you should at least try to make an effort. Sex isn't just about sex, it's about cuddling, and kissing and hugging. NONE of that exists in our household. I'm the only one who will kiss her, and come up to her to give her a hug. I'm the only one that says "I love you." I'm SICK SICK SICK of it. One can go w/o sex for so long.
I thought her going to day shift would really make things better for us. But it hasn't. I don't get home till 5:30 some nights, even 7:00 if I'm working till 5:30. I think she gets annoyed that I don't cook. Well, if she wants to have dinner late, I can work. But she hates eating late. I tell her to cook for herself and I'll cook when I get home.
It's like we're just plodding along each day. But there is no spark, no excitement, and truthfully, no love. She says she still loves me. But I often wonder if she does. If this is how she shows people she loves them, well I CAN see why others broke up with her. Our relationship is boring, she's boring. I'm young (well, younger than her) and I still have my whole life ahead of me. I need to have excitement and joy in my relationship. I feel like we're an old couple who are bed-ridden. In this case, house-ridden. I have more fun and excitement at work, than I do at home. And that's a scary thought, being work is so full on and very stressful. But I have more interactions with people at work, than I do at home.
I'm here in a foreign country, have no one to talk to, no peers to bounce things off of...and I feel trapped. I feel like I'm in a small confined space, and I'm screaming. But yet no one is listening. Especially not the person that needs to hear this the most. If I do scream, she only laughs and thinks nothing of it.
How can I make her see that it is an ISSUE, and that she needs to get it fixed YESTERDAY????
posted by Gaylicious© at Saturday, August 19, 2006
4 Comments:
Have you considered that she may be having problems with her recognition of her sexuality and may feel just as trapped as you feel at the moment. You; meaning both of you are trapped in a situation that is obviously uncomfortable but it appears to me that you are not talking about the real issues or perhaps just not talking and listening to each other.
Rob
Maybe she feels a little bit unsafe, uncomfortable or she's feeling things for the other sex, i don't know. But if every excitement is gone beyond horizons, why still stick to each other? Love comes normally from both sides.
Just a kiss from me
mandy denise, amsterdam, holland
I'm not sure about your other half being unsure of her sexuality or wondering about the opposite sex, that just doesn't seem right to me. I DO know how you feel - I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for ten years now and trust me we have been through this many a time.Like you I am the one wanting more sex and she is just quite simply not interested. It has taken me a long time to come to terms with this but I have slowly come to atleast learn to deal with it - which means not taking it as a personal affront. If you want to talk to me about it then leave me a message. Thanks.
Relationships are a two-way thing, if you're the only one who's showing love, then that's wrong. In fact, it's quite disturbing that even in the privacy of your own home, your partner is still reluctant to show affection, whether verbal or physical. Even if she's scared of her sexuality or people finding out or she's always had a low libido, it's still ridiculous that she can't simply hug you or say "I love you" when it's just the two of you alone. Whatever her fears or reservations are, she's being selfish and immature(surprising since she's older than you).
I think you're just scared of ending it even though you know it's not working. You've been together for so long, and you've gone all the way to uprooting yourself to go to a foreign country to be with her, and you can't believe that the relationship didn't work out. You've given a 150% effort fix it, and she isn't willing to do the same. Maybe it's time to move on.
You'll be ok eventually. Look at what you've accomplished. You swallowed your fears to come to a new country not knowing many other people besides your partner. You've got a job, people you're getting to know better at work, keen interest in GLBT issues, and still keep in touch with your loved ones on the other side of the world. Like you said, you're young and shouldn't be languishing in a boring, unaffectionate relationship. Life is short, don't grow old like this. Look at what else you can do, what you're capable of. You can move out and make new friends. Or you can even go to a new country, or back to Canada. Find a new love, rebuild links with old friends, spend time working on your interests/hobbies and the issues you're passionate about.
What's scarier? Starting all over again or spending the next twenty years feeling trapped and lonely? Ask yourself this and then take action.
- from an anonymous sympathetic reader
Ps. There aren't enough blogs out there like yours. Very honest and articulate. Love your work and please keep writing.
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